So today I got diagnosed with PPD. I knew something was off, ever since my son was born I felt different and not in a good way, I felt angry and down and frustrated constantly and everyone told me it was baby blues and it’ll pass. It didn’t, he’s 7 weeks old tomorrow and im struggling more every day. I’m exhausted. My ex partner, his father left us when I was 8 months pregnant and has no interest in being in his life, I’m a single mother, I’m so tired, I’m so hungry, I’m so dirty, I am struggling really bad. My baby is wonderful, he is but there has been times I sit and research how to put him up for adoption, how to give him away because I’m so frustrated with him. Bedtime is the worst, when he doesn’t settle I have such bad thoughts, I want to suffocate him, I want to throw him down the stairs, hit his head on the door I hate him at bed time I do, it sounds horrible but I do. I never thought I would have difficulty bonding with my baby after 3 losses but I’m struggling so hard, i had a very traumatic labour and I just feel like he’s a stranger there to irritate me, I miss being pregnant. I ignored all of this because everyone told me it was normal, until last night, my son was awake at 3am I was so frustrated hearing him moan and shouted at him to shut the fuck up and I snatched him out of bed with force, not accidental, anger force and he screamed, it took a half a second for me to realise what I had just done and put him down, left the room and cried. I went back after a few minutes and soothed him, said I’m sorry 100 times and seen to what he needed. I called my mom in tears telling her she had to come over, I had to have someone else there I was so scared I was going to hurt him. This morning 8am I called the doctor, for an appointment and was diagnosed with postpartum depression. I have been given medication and therapy to attend. We’re staying at my moms for a while until I start to feel better. I know I may be shamed for this but I’m posting to make other moms aware that this is real and if you feel any of the things I do, get help.