I have been with my boyfriend since I was 15 years old. We started dating in 2014. I am now 22. I feel trapped and terrified to leave. I love him and I can’t imagine my life without him. But he has a severe mental illness and suspected borderline personality disorder. He is physically and emotionally abusive. I don’t know what to do😢

I have stories that could fill a 2,000 page book. One time he jumped on top of my windshield while I was backing out because I was attempting to flee after a rage episode. When I got down the street, I had multiple texts of him telling me his leg was broken and if I didn’t come back to take him to the hospital, he would tell everyone that I broke his leg. When I got there to help him into my car, he was waiting there with a baseball bat, hiding it from me until I walked up to help him up. This was all because I woke him up “annoyingly.” In high school he cussed at me and broke up with me because I was too busy with my own schoolwork to do one of his homework assignments (I used to always write his papers for him so he could pass). I can’t even tell you how many times he made me cry and have to hide in the bathroom so no one would see me. Another time we were at my house and he asked me if I thought Robert Plant from Led Zeppelin was attractive. I said yes and he pinned me down on the ground and screamed in my face. I have hundreds of stories like this. He’s also a drug addict (which he has also blamed on me) and doesn’t work or go to school, I pay for everything all the while going to college. I drive him places and he tells me I don’t do anything for him.

Every single day he has multiple anger outbursts. We don’t live together (we both still live at home with our parents) but if I don’t see him almost every day he accuses me of not caring about him. He’s called me many derogatory names (freak, bitch, cunt, dumbass), physically abused me (slapped me, pinned me down, spit on me, pinched me, threw things at me), threatens me, screams at me at the top of his lungs, sobs during arguments, breaks and throws things, blocks the door so I can’t leave, threatens suicide and self harm during arguments, etc. Meanwhile he accuses me of being the abuser when I never physically or verbally attack him. He says I make him that way, that I provoke him. He gets angry over literally nothing. He has also started gaslighting and manipulating me. He will tell me I have a bad memory so I don’t remember the reality of what happened. He also tells me he his parents think I’m crazy and that they said all the times they used to hear him screaming at me, it must be because I provoked him. He tells me I deserve it because of things I do (the littlest things set him off).

This happens several times per week. I don’t know what to do anymore. I think I am trauma bonded to him and/or experiencing codependency because the thought of leaving him literally destroys me. We have good times in between the bad times which makes it even harder. On top of this I haven’t told anyone what I’m going through because I’m not ready to let go of the relationship. I know if I told my parents they would worry sick about me or force me to say goodbye to him. This has become my normal. They already can’t stand him and I don’t want to create waves or make anyone worried about me.

Has anyone ever experienced something like this and how did you leave?