It’s been 10 days, 240 hours, and I’ve never missed someone so much. I don’t really feel any emotion other than sadness and emptiness. My boyfriend has been more than amazing with he. I’ve never seen him so patient before and so willing to do whatever I need. I worry about him. I see the hurt in his face. We both have lost our son that we wanted more than anything in this world. Our son. 💔

About 3 days ago, I noticed that my breasts were leaking. A friend of mine, who has been so supportive, mentioned seeing if I could see if I could pump something out to keep and maybe get something made with it. I struggled with that because I HATE my body for not being good enough to save my baby boy. I HATE everything about it. From making me struggle to have a baby. To conceiving twins and losing them, to now losing my miracle baby boy!! I hate to look at my swollen breasts that are supposed to feed my baby. But also, I admire my body. My body made this to nourish my baby. My body was so ready for our baby. My body changed to accommodate my son. I just don’t know why it wasn’t good enough 😪

So I mustered up the strength to go to the baby section to get a handheld breast pump at Walmart. My boyfriend was with me and I felt the pain in his soul and when we walked towards the baby isle 😔 He was supportive and still is supportive with anything I want to do.

When we got it home, I tried to hide it in the closet so I wouldn’t be able to see it. But I felt guilty because I didn’t know how long I would have any “milk”, if that’s what it is, if I kept waiting. So I pumped tonight and it hurt me more than anything to see there was actually drops coming out. And they kept coming.

I cried because I miss my baby. He should still be inside of me. Saturday we would’ve been 16 weeks. My baby should still be here. But I pumped. And I got almost an ounce out.

An ounce!! I’m not even sure if it’s a lot. But to me it is a lot! I don’t know if I should be angry or happy. I just can’t help but think, why my baby. What did he do?! I wish he were still here. To continue to grow so he could enjoy this. But for now I will keep it until I figure out what I want to do with it. I miss you baby boy. We all miss you 🖤