sorry if this is a trigger...

I’m sure no one will see this and that i guess i’m okay with. recently my fiancé and I decided that we are ready for the next step after marriage being our family. and obviously that I could not be more excited about the idea of having a baby with him is the best thing by far that I could think of but it’s what comes with the pregnancy that I am absolutely terrified of.  back in 2017 I was sexually assaulted and that was one thing that was extremely hard for me to accept. I knew that it happened but I just didn’t want it to be real. after the assault I obviously had to go to the hospital where they performed a rape kit and prior to this rape kit I had never had gone to an OB/GYN and I never had a Pap smear I never needed to. but with that being said the first experience I ever had with anything similar to an examination was excruciating and traumatic. ever since that day the idea of having a doctor or anyone check me over in that sort of way makes me cringe and sends me into a panic. I want a baby and like that’s the thing I’ve wanted a child my whole life that’s all I wanted to do when I grew up was to become a mommy and now I sit here and I think about how am i suppose to do this or what am i supposed to do? but i guess one day i’ll be able to put my big girl pants on and face my fear