This is me opening up about my miscarriage. I know some women are experiencing this and don't want the reminder therefore the trigger warning.

I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say or why I wanted to write this here. I'm not super active in the community, I don't really know anyone on here but I guess this is a quiet place where I can express my thoughts and pain. I hope that I won't see negativity in the comments.

I'm trying so hard to overcome this pain. October 9th we found out we were pregnant with our first. My husband and I were so excited and happy for this surprise. We hadn't been careful and decided to let nature do its thing. We were so very happy. We daydreamed about our little mini and felt so much love for this tiny baby.

October 26th we lost our baby. I remember that day so painfully. I was at work when the bleeding started and I told my supervisor I had to leave. Driving home and to the emergency room, I was full of fear and uncertainty and prayers to every God I could think of. I knew what was happening. Call it a sixth sense, I knew they were gone.

We sat in the hospital waiting for tests and sonograms and clarity. My husband trying to assure me everything was alright and our baby would be okay. I tried to fight the feelings and believe him but I couldn't.

I made eye contact with the doctor as he began walking towards our room. And as soon as he was with us I felt the words before he said them. After the words, "I'm sorry..." left his lips, I began to close myself up. Tried not to break in front of this stranger who had the unfortunate task of shattering my dreams and hope.

Things seemed to move so slowly after that. I can't remember the details.

It's January now. We would've been halfway through the pregnancy. Today I completed months of therapy. I was diagnosed with severe depression and taught how to cope. I'm grateful for what I've learned. I feel like I can properly grieve and mourn the loss of my baby now. Before therapy, I avoided every mention of children, places that would trigger emotional breakdowns, and any reminder of my loss would have me sobbing in bed for hours.

But more than anything, I'm grateful for my husband. He has loved and supported me through every moment of this without regard for his own need to grieve. No matter how much I'd protest and say that we both needed to grieve, he was adamant that we help me heal first. I hope I can be there for him better in the future.

I had a breakthrough in therapy which I'd like to share with you. Just a statement I remind myself of daily to help me in my fight against depression. "I choose to enjoy what makes me happy today, rather than worry about what will make me sad tomorrow." I know it's not much but it's a lot of progress for me. I've rambled for a while so I'll finish with this. Thanks for listening stranger. Much love your way.