I’ve been trying for a baby for about a year now and haven’t had any luck. Until a while ago I had a lucky day and there she was. The one time that I thought it wouldn’t work... it did. I went week after week getting more and more symptoms feeling more and more different. Until I started my implantation bleeding. I couldn’t believe it. My dreams after a year of trying finally came true. For once I had everything I had ever wanted. Darts went by and I held my little belly talking to my baby every night. Knowing she couldn’t hear me but wanting to talk to her anyway. Me and their daddy talked to her and kissed my belly day in day out. Growing closer and closer. I felt like my world had been filled. Then this morning I woke up. Something felt off, but I thought it was just morning sickness and maybe I was just really hungry that’s why my stomach was cramping bad. So I brushed it off and went to take a shower with my hand wrapped around my belly. When I went to get into the shower I felt a release and all the sudden it felt like my whole world had fallen apart around me. My heart sank into my stomach where my baby would’ve been and I felt like the air was knocked out of me. Before I could even get the strength to look down I knew she was gone. I began to cry as I knew my dreams and all that trying for one year had just been blown away. I felt like maybe if I reached I could grab ahold of her before she left me but she was already gone. I sat in the shower feeling like everything was gone and I watched her wash away down the drain. When I finally turned off the water all I had left of her was 3 tissue clumps and a little ball. I thought the first time I would see her in person would be in a hospital when the nurse handed her to me and I hear her cry, but the first time I got to see her in person was her tissue and the sac she was growing in. I couldn’t do anything but hold her and tell her I love her. I couldn’t put her down. But I knew I couldn’t hold onto something like that forever. The time had come and I had to let her go. So I held her to my heart and told her I love her with her father on the phone. We told her we were sorry and we would always love her. At that moment I felt like I failed as a mother. And I still do. I failed her as a mother and I screwed over the possible one chance that I got to have a baby. I miss her, and I keep finding myself reaching down to hold my little bump that once held my beautiful baby, but now lies empty. So if you can hear me, mommy and daddy love you with all of our hearts and I’m so so sorry that mommy wasn’t strong enough to keep you safe. I failed you as a mother and I will never forgive myself. I wish you could’ve stayed and grown with me. I will forever and always love you and you will always be my first baby.