I don’t really know how to put this all into words. But I’m going to try because I need to get it off my chest.

So for years I’ve struggled with how I view my body and at different points hated it completely.

And recently I thought I was getting better about how I view my body in a more positive light, but I still have issues.

I still don’t like the way I look. And even though I’m around 120 pounds(I’m only 5’0 and know I’m a healthy weight) I still have a tummy that’s pretty big that hangs low, big, flabby arms, thick thighs and bigger boobs.

I hate my arms because I also have chicken skin(I can’t remember the actual name for it but it’s a bunch of bumps) that’s all over my arms and has been like that since I was a child. I hate how my stomach or tummy hangs so low, I really dislike that I have bigger boobs and not exactly smaller boobs, I don’t so much hate my thighs, but I still don’t like them.

I hate I have bigger boobs because I’ve had guys stare at them and I get super uncomfortable with it. But lately I’ve hated them even more because I don’t like how viable they are when I wear shirts, so I end up wearing baggy cloths to hide them.

But recently I just want them to be completely flat when I wear clothes. Like how a guys chest is completely flat when they wear clothes. Or when someone wears a binder.

When I visualize my body in my head, I see myself as someone that’s much bigger than I am(weight wise), and I almost don’t remember what my own face looks like because I just think I’m really ugly. Then I look in the mirror and see I’m not that big, and I’m not ugly and am kind of cute looking. I have no idea why I think this way or see myself this way either.

With not really liking how my chest sticks out when I wear clothes, I stumbled upon a TikTok(social media app that shares videos) that said people who aren’t Non-Binary or aren’t trans can wear binders too and it isn’t just exclusively for Non-Binary people or trans people. Which opened up my mind more because I didn’t know that or it never crossed my mind that others could wear them too and have no idea why I thought wearing binders was so exclusive.

But I’ve started thinking about maybe purchasing a binder to see what I would look like completely flat, and it sort of makes me happy to visualize myself with a completely flat chest and nothing sticking out or up.

I feel like it’s weird to think about because I didn’t realize how much of a problem my boobs were with how I visualize myself in my head but also just how I view myself in general.

I’ve also lately been thinking about trying she/they pronouns even though I still think of myself as a female. And I don’t know why that really is either. But am kind of connecting it to my body issues or how I view myself.

I dress as what can be seen as more “masculine” and hate really wearing what is seen as “feminine” clothing. I wasn’t like that when I was younger though. I didn’t mind wearing skirts or dresses and really loved it, but as I got older and started to become more self aware, “boy clothes” became what was comfortable for me to be in.

But recently I was trying on a skirt I hadn’t worn in years that was still in my closet. And with being how short I am and it being almost like a maxi skirt on me, I didn’t like it. Until I remembered I had bought some three inch heels and loved how they just looked in general. So I put my heels on and they made me taller and the skirt hanged down better and just looked way better! But the heels being worn with my mainly red skirt(it has some white in it) and my black heels, I felt super cute! Which was a weird feeling to have because I hadn’t worn a skirt in five or more years because I HATED wearing them and didn’t think I looked cute in them at all! But it was just probably because of how I view my body. But it was a nice feeling to have again honestly.

I really don’t know what’s going on with my thoughts lately. They’re just all over the place and I wish I could figure out what’s going on or what’s triggering more of a change within myself.

Sorry to anyone that may read this. I know this is all over the place and doesn’t probably make any sense.