At the beginning of our 3 year long relationship I literally bragged and prided myself on the fact that I, for the first time ever, was with a man who was a REAL Dom. A guy who was into everything that I'm into. Like a perfect fitting glove to my hand.

About a year into our relationship he then expresses to me that he actually isn't like that at all. He has a really low Testosterone level and/or sex drive due to the medication that he has to take. And in turn, he just isn't into the Bdsm scene like he said he was. And this was honestly such a hard thing for me to hear at first... I remember crying like a baby in the shower. Which I know is a bit over-the-top, but when I'm Submissive I make my Dom my entire world. I worship the ground that they walk on and the whole reason I wake up in the morning is to serve them. It's quite obsessive, I know, but it's something that I always discuss before engaging into the relationship.

After seeing how this upset me we had decided to try going forward as still Dom & Sub, just with the limit of it not being a 24/7 thing. This was a sacrifice I was willing to make for the greater good.

And well. You can probably guess that that has only lasted a bit over a years time now.

We are going to be celebrating 3 years together this year. So we are coming up on the 2 year anniversary, so to speak, of him telling me how he really feels. And from the experience of being in this relationship for longer, being older and having more experience... We've had the conversation where he admitted that he thinks he would be genuinely less stressed in our relationship if it could be Vanilla. He said that he occasionally wants to be rough with me, he wants to use kinky toys or choke me or just be rough in general. But he doesn't enjoy the pressure of me expecting it every time we come together to have sex.

This is something that I genuinely can understand and empathize. So for the last couple of weeks I have been seriously conditioning myself to be more vanilla when in a setting with my boyfriend. It's weird for me but it genuinely isn't the first time I've done this for someone.

I even asked randomly if he dislikes being called Daddy. He hasn't ever shown me a single sign that he doesn't like it. I just randomly asked it out of morbid curiosity... And he told me "I honestly don't mind it when you're in the mood of being a little. But if it's all the time.. It's kinda weird to me". And wow that actually kind of hit me hard. I didn't expect it to. But if someone is uncomfortable in the environment I'm putting them in, then I must understand. Consent is always key. He said "there's no way that you feel little 24/7" to which I replied that I do. And he just looked kind of shocked but the conversation respectfully ended there. Not much has been said about it since but I feel inclined to just stop being little in general or as much as I am atleast. He never told me to stop being little, but if I can't be little all the time without it being uncomfortable... Then why do it at all? Which I know is unfair of me to say, even though it's only really unfair to myself. But, I don't want to set myself up for failure, and my kink coming across as weird just makes me in turn feel weird about it. Yknow? And anyone who has anything bad to say about this, please remember that he never told me to stop. It basically was my own respectful decision.

Most people would say, "just leave him, there's no sexual chemistry". But to that I say, you're wrong. He's still the hottest man on the planet, a gift from the gods. I still find great pleasure from simply getting him off or just getting to look at him. He just doesn't want to be forced into something, and rightfully so.

I've been in a relationship in the past where all my ex wanted was anal and oral and I hated every moment of it. And he wasn't understanding at all, and that's one of the reasons I left that guy. There was no communication or mutual agreement for the bedroom situation, no matter how hard I pushed. And I would be rather heartbroken if history repeated itself but not in my favor. 😕

Some women might find this to be a horror story, but it's really something I've come to peace with. I have my own outlets; I own a huge collection of sex toys and sex related objects that are very kinky. And I have had a kink Instagram for 4 years of my life that helps me express that side when I have no other options. And so much more.

It's just really weird for me to condition myself to not talk in a high pitched voice, wear collars or beg for pain and so on. I mean.. It's been my whole existence for years and years now. I've been into kink for 8 years of my life. I've had most of my experience for the last 4 years of my journey in BDSM. And truly I'm a sadistic & masochistic being with depraved ways, that won't ever change. No one can change that.

And to add, I have hypersexuality that is from my genetics, it also worsened from trauma I experienced as a child & teenager. The women in my family, all the way back to my Great Grandmother, are known for having way higher sex drives than their partners. My Mother, Grandmother and Great Grandmother have all complained about wanting sex WAY more than their husbands. Even to this day. So I was fated to follow their paths. And then all the trauma I have endured throughout my life basically sealed the deal. My hypersexuality honestly leaves me unsatisfied most of the time. No matter how much I orgasm or receive pain, it's never enough. And I often experience that the more orgasms or pain that I give myself, the more my body craves it. Often leaving me in mental battles with myself. It's like an itch that you can never reach, that hardly goes away.

And this hypersexuality is something that I have chosen to not be a burden on my relationship. It shouldn't be my boyfriends problem to deal with. In my opinion. My endless unsatisfaction doesn't need to add more weight to an issue that is already being resolved. And yes he knows I'm hypersexual, but I've assured him that it's no issue that he HAS to handle.

I'm just proud of myself for being a strong individual in this situation. Honestly.

Consent is ALWAYS key.