I moved to a more relaxed country side, before my move I had no friends. I’ve lived here awhile and still...no friends. I have no family most are addicted, Narcissistic... or they have... or have rumored to rape you. My family is very dysfunctional, my life is just a train wreck many try to understand but instead can only say “well, bless your heart...you’ve had it rough”, while ignoring me as they walk away from me.

The pandemic only makes me feel worse... isolated more then ever....

I have overcame my demons, I’ve locked up my Pandora’s box of fucked up intrusive thoughts regarding my personal self-esteem.... yet here we are.... having who I am..... my existence.... and feel worthless.

Inside I’m screaming not to be isolated, outside I’m smoking behind painful feelings.

My kids, they are more then cared for.... when they ask “mommy what’s wrong?”, I just reply, “oh nothing honey, mommy is just tired from work”.

I’m not tired.... I’m hurting inside,

My therapist that I see hasn’t been attentive because she has been sick, family emergencies... etc.

It might sound that I’m suicidal... but I’m far from that. I’m just exporting a lot of hard emotions, feelings, and things that have been upsetting to me. I’m safe, I promise. Anything have anything that is helpful in words of advice? :) thank you kindly.