During my 6 year olds remote learning today, she read her Moana library book for story time. My mind immediately drifted to the first time I saw a Moana doll in a store. I was so excited, but my husband made sure to tell me that it didn’t make sense because I wasn’t the same as Moana, but in a more crass way. (I’m African American and he’s Mexican.)

On another note, yesterday, he left work and popped up at the house mid-day to tell me that I’m not making time to talk to him and that I no longer need him. This is following an incident on Sunday where he tried to force his way in the room, accused me of stuff, and punched a hole in the wall. I called in. I didn’t want him to know what time I left for work.

I haven’t been working a full 2 weeks yet and he’s already telling me how I act like I don’t need him. It took nearly a year to even get a job. This Valentine’s Day marks the one year anniversary of me being forced to quit, due to my husband sending an email to my boss, with accusations of a different natured relationship. I was accused of harassment by hr and told that I couldn’t leave the room until I had turned in my resignation. Despite my degree and certifications, I couldn’t get hired on at any school district.

This would’ve been my 2nd week at my new job. I was excited and considered it a blessing, especially because of all the no’s, or just plain ignoring, I had received from my field that I went to school for. I knew he wasn’t excited about my job hunt when I first started looking and accused me of trying to leave him as soon as I got a job. So, with every rejection, it hurt more and more and I doubted my own capabilities. A school district in Alaska told me that I didn’t have the level of understanding in special education that they were used to. I went to an interview for my local women’s shelter, and towards the end where one walked me to the door, she asked about one of the teachers that I had worked with by name; judging by the name she asked about, I knew not to expect a call from them. According to my husband, I only wanted to work there in order to feel better about myself.

My husband was still angry with me; simultaneously accusing me of throwing away my livelihood, cheating, and not understanding why I got a job in the first place, as if I had no need of being independent.

I had read articles about serendipitous situations and special bonds over the summer. For example, a young black kid had cleaned up after a protest and someone donated him a car. The car, by chance, happened to be the same make and model of his late mother, or the many examples of custodial workers, nurses, etc. forming special bonds with patients with covid; being their light in difficult times.

In my grief, I was made comfortable enough to share a bond with someone that had reminded me of my loved one, that I thought was innocent enough, due to situations in personal life and the toxic work environment. Yet, here I was, not able to get a job in my field, accused of harassment, not able to return to the campus or risk being charged with trespassing (despite it being one of my kids’ campuses), (the same cop that escorted me off campus that day and told me that nobody was forcing me to work there, had been dispatched to my house towards the beginning of this school year because a strange person was trying to claim my neighbors dog; services were refused.), zero people not willing to provide an employment reference for me, as if I didn’t do my job, flanked by hr when I attended my kids awards ceremony pre-spring break, at another campus within the district.

It took nearly a year to get my new job, but I didn’t go in today. The accusations of not needing/leaving him have already started and I just don’t want to go through all the mess. I was so proud of myself for not giving up, despite closed doors and an assassination of my character. I’m not bitter because I know who my father is. I’m hoping that today’s decision will bring some peace to my home. I’m also the original poster of “Was this called for” where I text an archived number in my husbands phone. So, yeah, definitely trying to get closer to God, cause something is out of alignment.