2020 kind of threw me into a hole I never expected. I know with COVID it threw a lot of people but I could have not imagined any of this happening. Let's start off with the ending of 2019 I had my beautiful daughter. Being a new mom was as hard as I thought it was going to get but I loved every second of it. In March, I had just started going back to work after my maternity leave and my daughter and I were in a bad car accident on the freeway. This is also when covid hit and my boyfriend lost his job. This is where it was discovered that I have an AVM (large clot in my brain). In April, I had surgery and they discovered that it was too large to take out without paralyzing me. In May, I had my first round of radiation. Many of my Dr advise against pregnancy because the risks are just unknown. The clot can burst at anytime leaving me dead within minutes regardless if I'm pregnant or not. (Side note... Literally have been planning my life since I was 10 years old. I went to school became a nurse, bought a house, had a baby, my dream is to have lots of babies). I got pretty depressed thinking about never being able to have another baby and on top of that the radiation fucked my body and mental health up. In August, I went back to work being a complete different person. In September, I was assaulted at work by a patient. He punched me in the face. In November, I had my second round of radiation. I have not been back to work since. I was told by my drs that the best time to get pregnant would be now due to needing to have brain surgery in 2 years when it has shrunk from the radiation. That's if it shrinks. Anyway. My family has been against me getting pregnant. Anytime I bring it up they shut me down or they just ignore me. I was told by many drs that there is no research showing increased risk but everyone is different. I literally break when I think about never having another baby. My daughter is 15 months now and I want her to have a sibling. I was on the phone with my mom and she "literally said don't get pregnant don't fuck yourself" in regards to me already being off work for a while. I am set to go back to work next month. I feel I can't talk to anyone about this because all I have gotten from people is that I'm selfish for even wanting another kid. I should be grateful that I already have a kid. My thoughts are that I shouldn't just stop my entire life. There is no way of knowing if something will happen and if I wasn't in a car accident the AVM would have never been found. I would of had no kids without questioning it. It's just so much to process and think about. I mean I have already made up my mind but I'm scared when I get pregnant I will have no one supporting me. I always turn to my mom and sister for advice and it just sucks that I can't. Sorry this is so long. My boyfriend supports me and wants more kids too he just doesn't like to talk about any of it either. Thanks for listening.