The only thing I had planned for January 15, 2021 was a special supper to celebrate my fiancé’s birthday; however, I woke up filled with worry and ran straight to the bathroom to see if I was still spotting. The evening prior I had started to notice a little bit of blood every time I wiped BUT it was brown so I was trying not to worry.

We found out we were pregnant the first of December- first pregnancy after only a month of trying and we were absolutely thrilled. Our families were over the moon and so were we. Our baby was due on August 16, 2021 - the birthday of my fiancé’s older brother who had passed away and we found out we were pregnant the week that my grandmother passed away. The pregnancy had been incredibly bittersweet but so very welcome! So I hesitated- I didn’t want to tell him that I was spotting and have him worry. Especially not on his birthday because some spotting in pregnancy is supposed to be “normal” right?

I tried to carry about my day as normal but the worry kept eating away at me - that afternoon when the spotting become bright red the worry became too much. I called him and told him what was happening and told him I wanted him to take me to the ER after I got off of work. We ended up spending six hours in the ER before they sent us home. The doctor said we that the baby was only measuring 6-7 weeks on the ultrasound and they couldn’t find a heart beat - however the spotting was light and my HCG levels were within normal range so the doctor advised me to follow back up with a repeat ultrasound and HCG levels in 48 hours. I would be back in the ER in less than six hours.

We got home about 11:15pm. At 11:20 I leaned over to pick something up and felt a warm gush. I went to the bathroom and my panties were soaked with blood and I sat there and just watched blood pour out of me as I started to feel menstrual cramps. Came out and told my fiancé what happened as we prayed it was just something like a subcorionic hematoma. We went to bed and I woke up at 3:40am soaked in blood. Went to the bathroom and passed so many heavy clots as blood just continued to gush out of me. Put on a heavy overnight pad and soaked it in two minutes so I went back to the bathroom and sat there and watched my life change. I cried out to God and told Him I hated Him. There was no reason and no good that could come from Him taking my baby.

There is a depth of pain and such a profound sense of loss that I can’t put into words. Sometime around 5:30 I was able to finally call out and wake up my fiancé to tell him if he didn’t take me to the hospital he wasn’t just gonna lose the baby he was going to lose me too.

The ultrasound tech told me what I already knew. My sac had collapsed and they could no longer visualize the baby. The doctor told me I could try to go through the miscarriage naturally, she could give me drugs to help the process along, or she could do a D&C. She had to leave me for an emergency delivery but after she returned and did a pelvic exam she told me I didn’t have an option. I was still bleeding too heavy and needed to have a D&C right away - she told me it would be about an hour before the procedure because she would have to get the surgical team called in.

I’m a nursing student and a daycare teacher - I called my teachers and boss and told them there was no way I could come in that week. I spent four days barely able to get out of bed much less walk. I was too weak and my heart was too broken, too empty. My fiancé took the week off and we grieved and drew close to each other and he took such good care of me - swear I fell more in love with that man.

Physically I have recovered but emotionally I still feel so very broken and empty. My life forever changed by two pink lines and it was forever more changed by the loss of a heartbeat. I would never wish this pain on anyone. There is no recovery from this. I go to work every day and try not to cry as I hold others babies and this would be the semester that I spend in my maternal/pediatric course and clinical. Pregnancy is all around me and babies are every where I look but my womb is empty and I will never get to meet the baby who made me a mother this side of heaven.