*TW self-harm*

So about 5 years ago I used to self harm and when my parents found out they made me promise to stop and so I did. Surprisingly I was clean for a little over 4 years. 4 years that all went down the drain. I relapsed last July and August as things got very toxic and unhealthy between my mother and I before I left for college. I also experienced some depression at college going in another toxic relationship and did it twice there. One time it was so deep i started non stop bleeding for like a half hour. I felt like I deserved to feel the pain. I deserved to hurt. I was scared my roommate would see though so I tried to pretend I was sleeping when she came back in the dorm.

Anyways I didn’t do it after that incident, but one day we were having a talk about something. I don’t remember what about or how it came about, but she jokingly gestured the self harm action and looked me in the eyes with and said “you can only joke about it if you’ve done it” implying she did it too, but is so quirky she could just joke about it like that. She knew I had done it years ago, but not when we were rooming together. I looked at her with a blank face and no response. I just looked away afterwards. To this day, it still bothers me. The image of her saying that plays in my head every time I feel depressed, which has been a lot lately. That she could’ve joked about something like that. I guess maybe Bc I relapsed and I feel triggered. I haven’t cut since late August tho. Anyways, I went out on a date with this guy and he was telling me about how one of his best friend’s girlfriend was very overdramatic and how she would cut herself for attention and did the gesture also in a joking way. However, he doesn’t know that I used to since we’re only just getting to know each other. It still bothers me that he said that, and I want to tell him about my past but I feel like if I do it’ll scare him away since our bond is so new and that he’ll feel awful about it or he’ll think less of me. That’s just my insecurities eating me up inside. I haven’t cut since August but every day both those scenarios are replaying in my head because ive been completely numb and depressed lately and feeling like cutting again Bc I’m on the edge of having a mental breakdown. My life isn’t as bad as when I used to cut heavily years ago, but I just feel like being in quarantine and in this pandemic my life is completely meaningless and no one will ever truly love me, as I am always the third option. My physical health is declining and trying to drown myself in schoolwork isn’t distracting enough Bc I’m stuck in the house since I’m home this semester from college. I can’t even eat anymore without feeling sick. I can’t even respond to texts. I feel like I deserve to hurt and I don’t know why but I just feel like I am supposed to be punished and that I’m an awful person no matter how hard I try to please others. I know I could be 100x better than I am currently, but there are things holding me back, most which are excuses.