War with myself

So I just had a baby a few months ago but she was premature so she’s basically a newborn now. She’s the hardest baby. I have severe postpartum depression and anxiety and she’s colicky and I don’t have much support because my husband works. We had sex about a week ago and the condom broke. Of course 🙄 my dr won’t put me on birth control because of how bad my ppd and anxiety is. Which is frustrating. I’m so overwhelmed with the baby i have if I get pregnant I don’t think I could do it. I’m trying to prepare myself because I haven’t had a period so I don’t know when I’m ovulating or if I did and if I get pregnant I’ll have some rough decisions To make. I wouldn’t say im religious more spiritual but honestly recently I’ve only believed in god because I fear if I renounce him he’ll kill me or my baby or husband or something bad. I don’t really feel like gods been on my side much. But it’s still in the back of my mind. But I would seriously consider an abortion I think. I don’t know if I could go through with it unril I’m put in the situation and I never thought I would. But honestly right now I don’t even feel like a good mother and wife to the family I have. I’m so overwhelmed and can’t connect with baby. I thought I would just feel this love and I don’t and it’s been months. Any advice? Or anyone struggle too with motherhood? I feel so alone.