-kind of a long post, but needed to get alot of stuff off my chest!

Hi everyone!  I have had this app for quite a few years now, have commented on some people’s posts, but never put a post up myself.  So here goes nothing. 

I’m 36 years old, married my best friend in August during this pandemic, and am officially part of the TTC.  2 days ago I got my period again, and I sobbed in the bathroom for about a half an hour before going out to the living room to tell my husband, who proceeded to hold me and let me cry in his arms for another 20 minutes or so. 

About a year and a half ago, while engaged, we discovered we were pregnant.  We were ecstatic!  There were many reasons why we both waited to start having children: his family/background turned him off of the idea of being a parent for years (although he knew he wanted to at some point, just not before the age of 35; and he’s 2 years older than me), financial stability, mental stability, marital stability (I understand that doesn’t work for everyone, it was just important to us).  It was October when we found out we were pregnant, and we were planning on having our wedding the following August, 2020.  We figured, “well, it’s a year early, but it’ll still be perfect timing to get married a couple months after having a baby!”  It ended up being a Blighted Ovum, and we were devastated.  It tore us both up so much that we almost broke up.  Obviously we were able to work through it, and have become stronger together.  My body went through such an ordeal during that time: so many of those uncomfortable ultrasounds where my lower back would be messed up after it, a missed miscarriage, waiting a few weeks for them to have an opening to give me a D & C, a miscarriage the day before my scheduled D & C, showing up at the hospital for the surgery only to find out the gestational sac was still in there so they still had to do the surgery (they didn’t HAVE to, but I told them to go ahead because I just wanted to be done and begin the healing process), an ovarian cyst, and all the while my body acting as though it were still pregnant.  It. Was. Horrible.  And the sad part is the fact that nobody ever talks about going through anything like that, so you really have nothing to compare it to at the time, and nobody to really talk to about it – especially since I am far away from my family and I don’t really have friends where my husband and I live since it’s more of a touristy area. 

Fast forward to now.  My body has healed, and although I am still sad it went that way, I have hope for the future.  Last month when I got my period I felt like a failure.  I kept asking myself, “why?”, “What have I done to deserve this?”, “What did I do wrong?”, “Why is it so much easier for a lot of other women, but for me it’s so difficult when I want this so badly?” 

This past month we tried really hard to get pregnant, and I tried so hard to just “let it happen”.  Well it didn’t work…again.  And even though it’s still sad and I’m still upset, something feels different this month.  I feel hopeful.  I feel like last month just wasn’t our month for it to happen.  I feel that I need to be more mindful of my cycle, while not being overbearing with the timing.  I obviously don’t want to throw romance out the window, or it won’t be fun for me or my husband.  I also thought that maybe I could order one of those at home fertility tests to have my hormones checked (has anyone gotten one of those?).  I was on birth control for over 12 years, and it really messed with my hormones and other levels.  I quit taking it 6 years ago, but I’m still feeling/seeing lingering side effects.  My ‘problem’ could be as simple as needing hormone injections.  I’m no doctor, and I have yet to go to one about this.  I figured we could give it a try for 6 months before getting checked out.  Some people agree with that, others have said, “well just RELAX and it’ll happen when it happens!  Don’t stress out about it, and maybe you’ll have to give it a few years!”  And who knows, maybe it won’t happen for a year or two; but that doesn’t mean I don’t have the right to get myself checked out to see if there is something – even simple – to help us get pregnant.  I completely understand now why so many women get irritated after getting married when people ask them when the baby’s coming.  It doesn’t help.  It doesn’t make me feel good to hear that.  They don’t know the conversations my husband and I have about it every single day.  They don’t know how badly we both want to get pregnant and have a family, but that it just hasn’t happened yet.  I don’t get mad at the people who say that.  I don’t yell at them or tell them they’re being rude.  Sometimes they say it because they don’t know what else to say.  I simply say, “we’ll see!”, or “we’re trying”. 

To all the other women who are a part of the TTC, my heart is with you.  It isn’t easy.  A woman on here told me about an app, Premom, and some ovulation tests which I have ordered and will be starting this week.  I hope it helps! 

Good luck to all the rest of you in the TTC, you are not alone!  Much love and huge hugs! 

~Chelsea