TW- Disordered eating

My eating habits went downhill over the past 4 years. My weight is constantly up and down and it’s having horrible effects on my health. I constantly have pains in my stomach yet I can’t eat at times or even after I eat there would still be slight discomfort. I dont mean to but I can go days without eating a proper meal. I usually have one meal a day and snack here and there or go shops and buy a bunch of junk foods to binge when everyone sleeps. It makes me feel extremely sick but it’s the only thing that satisfies me. I have constant headaches, feel so groggy and dizzy and I’m always tired.

My normal weight is around 64kg but I’m currently fluctuating between 50 and 55kg and can’t seem to go past that.

I can have good weeks and bad weeks. On my good weeks I’ll eat 3/4 meals a day with snacks. But on the bad weeks I’ll go the day without eating and just snack on unhealthy stuff. Those weeks are when the pains are the worst. I can barely reach up to hug my boyfriend or sleep comfortably. But deep down I kind of like it. I like looking in the mirror and seeing how slim my stomach can get but despise my stretches marks across my hips. I’m terrified of going GP because I’m old enough now to take care of my own health. I don’t know anymore