I have been TTC for 3 years, with 2 miscarriages and 1 ectopic pregnancy in my bag.

I came to know my sister in law is pregnant with her second. It was not planned, an oops moment. She “decided” to keep it because she feels her only child won’t have anyone once he is grown up (our husbands are brothers, mine is the younger one). I am naturally a jealous person, I don’t show it, but I am. I am better at everything else than her, better education, better brains, better family, better everything else. I just have the world’s worst uterus and she has a functioning one. I hate feeling this way.

To make matters worse, it’s the anniversary of my first miscarriage. I feel numb after that miscarriage. I barely felt my next one and was completely immune by my ectopic pregnancy last year. At this point, I just get stressed to think of a BFP because it will open up the can of worms of a very high risk pregnancy. I shudder to think about all the blood draws I have had. I have started to see needle scars on my hands from those.

I have started feeling like I am wasting my career potential because of this TTC drama. I am passing over opportunity after opportunity in the vain hope of getting pregnant as i am very comfortable and highly valued in my current job and the office is a walking distance from my home.

Considering all of this, I had decided to give up TTC in 2021, but my husband still wants to keep on trying. He doesn’t understand the emotional toll it is taking on me. He is the sweetest person and I want to keep on doing it for him but it is getting too much now. But it is the thing that is pushing me in a bottomless pit of jealousy and resentment and self directed anger.

I am in the midst of a very happy function for my other nephew, but just can’t get myself to be happy. I am finding myself weeping all the time.

I don’t like being this girl.

PS- I discussed my feelings with my husband and spoke to him about taking alternate routes like <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a>. He is against it as he researched it and found the procedure painful. Also, in thd function we are involved in, there are so many children and it is really loud and noisy. We found that we are not very tolerant of noise. He also thinks that I should go all in towards my career and realise my potential.

So officially, we have moved to NTNP from active TTC.