This is going to be long but I want to explain it all before people just assume.

This is the first relationship I’ve been in ever. It’s been almost 9 months. First guy I’ve ever been with sexually too. But I don’t know if I’m happy. I was. I liked him 2 years before anything ever happened. But I’m not sure now. I don’t really have many friends. My good friend is in the marines. My cousins live far away and their dads an asshole. I grew up around abuse and drugs and violence. But then I found him. He was Funny and nice, decently attractive and I told him how I felt and then we started a relationship. But now I don’t know if I love him, or if I love having a person to talk to. It seems like it’s become more shitty recently too. I don’t think really abusive, if it is it’s both people. But if I have a problem I try to bring into the conversation I get told him a cunt and bitch and I get compared to his ex’s. But in his defense I don’t ever know how to bring it up. And I think it’s my fault then. I guess I’m more accusing than asking, he says. But my side is that I’m trying to just tell him what he did and why I don’t like it. Now last night he told me I was too talkative and he didn’t have the energy and why couldn’t he just relax instead of text. The night before he didn’t talk at all because he was in the phone for the night talking to his friend. Which is fine. The night before that he was being nice because the night before that he disappeared to the bar for 5 hours. He was at the bar because he found his ex girlfriend got back with her ex husband and now she won’t ever pay my boyfriend back the thousands of dollars he paid to get her out of debt.

Anyway so last night he said this, “I can't relax a bit I gotta text steady”

So I said, “if i was (friend from last night) you’d talk to me.” Because I felt like I was being shoved to the back burner. So he said, “Haha I couldn't get him to shut up I don't know what was up I think he got lonely being holed up in there”

Then I left it at that and quit talking for 7:06-7:28 because that’s what he wanted. At that point he said, “Okay don't play then I'm tired but tryna be sociable” (we were playing game pigeon). So at this point I was semi upset because he was turning it around on me so I said exactly what he said, literally copied his text and pasted it..

“I can't relax a bit I gotta text steady”

Then he asked me how my day was and all that and I kinda stayed quiet and then he got mad when I told him off a little bit.

Flash forward to today, after he shut his phone off all night so I couldn’t talk to him, he got very mad. He compared me to his ex. He called me names, bitch, cunt, many more. And so I told him I felt like I was not appreciated and that some people would call that mental abuse. And so he told me I was playing victim.

This happens every few days. Honestly I feel like I’m just going to send hide a text telling him I feel like we’re both bad for each other and we should stop now before we waste more time, and say my side, then whenever he unblocks me he’ll get it and it’ll be at that. But I’ve tried to break up with him before, he told me he would have no reason to live if I did, and he also had just said basically “no you’re not dumping me for this”. And then he reversed it. I don’t know how to do a break up, this is my first relationship, and I don’t know if I should stay in it. Plz help. And please don’t be rude calling me abusive and clingy, he does that I already know i need to watch myself for it, but leave actual feedback. I don’t know what to do.