I was in pain off and on for days, I even thought my belly looked lower, but I didn’t do anything about it. I just kept going with my day. I went shopping in bad heat, sweating, and out of breath a lot. I laid down trying to help my back pain. Later in the night I even told my boyfriend it feels like a dislodged tampon in my vagina. Again I didn’t do anything, except go to bed because I thought I just needed rest. I could barely get comfortable, I was in so much pain, my back and my uterus. I googled Braxton Hicks contractions. I read they shouldn’t be painful. I should have gone straight to the hospital at that moment since I had neglected everything prior, but instead I go to the bathroom because I feel such pressure like I have to poop. So I push as hard as I can, and my water breaks, exploding all over the place. Then comes all the blood. I broke my water, my son was still kicking. We drove to the hospital and they told me, at 24 weeks my baby Kaleb wouldn’t survive because he needs the amniotic fluid to be able to breathe. I broke my water and ultimately suffocated my baby. My first born. My biggest love. It has been five months and I only ache more for him. I can barely get through the days. I failed my son when he needed me most. I can barely live with myself, I took away his whole life. All because I IGNORED my pain and broke my own water.

I barely want to breathe, as my sweet perfect baby no longer can because of me. I am the sole person who was supposed to protect him & keep him safe until he was born. Healthy. I made it harder & much worse for him. I ruined everything.

My sweet perfect Kaleb, momma loves you. I am so sorry.