I think about my last “relationship.” (we only were seeing each other for a month and talked for another month) I thought he was the one, except we would ALWAYS have bad communication problems. If he didn't text me for a day, I didn't mind, but if it were two, I would think maybe he lost feelings. If I took trips with friends, he would tell me it made him insecure because he was cheated on, and I understood that.

How we would always speak about having better communication, and that didn't happen until the day I told him everything.

So why was it when I had this feeling, this gut feeling that I didn't understand- love? That my friend had to tell me that I loved him after it ended. I think it a lot about all he did for me and how I could fuck it all up. How I was unsure if we were exclusive or if he was telling the truth about only speaking to me- he was. Yet, I wasn't sure being cheated on by someone that was him isn't his fault. That's my past.

How could I let that man kiss me? (past friend) or how I let him do more (hated everything) we didn't have sex, and the whole time I was thinking about the person I wanted, it all sounds cruel. It changed me. It made me realize how flawed I was, and I learned from that. I still haven't fully forgiven myself what happened months ago or how I should move on... Or how I told him what happened the same week. The guilt was eating me alive if I loved really, I would say to him. My friend said to me if I loved him, I wouldn't have done anything to hurt him. Which is true, but back then and now, I still never understood my emotions. (no excuse) I don't know how to truly it's like I have a hope he will be back, but I know that he deserves more.

Why do I still want him? I guess I need closure, but I don't deserve it.