I left my narcissistic/ emotionally/ mentally abusive fiance a month ago with my daughter after he screamed at me and called me whore right in front of her.

I don't know what's wrong with me but I miss him. I know leaving was the best decision for myself and my daughter, but I keep finding myself falling back into his trap. He is acting perfect. So sweet, so attentive, and just everything I ever wanted. I am trying to not let the cloud of that overpower all of the ways he actually treated me. I was watching a show last night with my sister and there was a scene where a couple was drinking and the girl passed out. The boyfriend covered her with a blanket and took care of her. This was SO BEYOND triggering for me because about 3 years ago, right before we got pregnant with my daughter, him and I spent the night drinking and having fun... I passed out. Instead of him taking care of me, he raped me. He brought me into the shower, unconscious, and filmed himself messing around with me. Then took me to the bed and filmed himself raping me (with himself and objects from around our home). I was SO BRAINWASHED that when he showed me the videos the next morning, I just brushed it off. I did not process what actually had just happened until after having my daughter and I found the videos again.

I have let this man quite literally ruin me. I used to be the girl that walked into a room and lit everyone up and just carried herself so well. Now I am the girl who hides and has anxiety and is always worried about upsetting people. I am a shell... yet I still love this man. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! How do I break this cycle when I can't just not talk to him because we have a child? I want my life back. Everything is starting to improve around me since leaving him, but my heart aches and i actually feel bad for HIM.

Please give me advice...

Thank you