just ranting

I'm almost 20 and pregnant with my first baby. The father is extremely toxic but of course I didn't learn that until it was too late. I'm 25 weeks pregnant and haven't talked to him in months. At the beginning of my pregnancy he told me that he's all I'll ever have and that he got me pregnant on purpose so that nobody will want me and so I can't get back with my other ex. Not that I would want to. He said if I want to be loved that I have to wait for him to decide when I'm worthy of love. When he found out I was talking to somebody he ruined that for me and came back to me for a few weeks before blocking me on everything. He's moved in w another girl now and she doesn't want him speaking to me but he makes fake accounts to check on what I'm doing. It's to the point where I deleted Instagram, I deleted everyone on snap except like 12 people that I'm close to and my Facebook is as private as I can get it and mostly just family. I want him to leave me alone completely but at the same time I feel like maybe he really is the only guy who will ever want me. Part of me wants to put myself out there and really start to meet other people bc I feel like that's the only way I will get over him. I know I can't do that while I'm this far in pregnancy though. I hate him so much but I want to hold onto him and I don't know why. He's obviously not a good guy and doesn't care about me. Maybe I'm so obsessed with him bc he's the one who took my virginity in high school and the first guy I ever really dated. I don't know. I just want to never have to see him again but I know it's probably going to be all drama after my baby is born. Especially since his family wants to be involved and already act like my baby is going to be around them a lot. I know I sound pathetic and broken. I just want to be happy and I don't know how. I can't ever get excited about my baby when my pregnancy is far from perfect w the way I'm being treated. I'm just tired and needed to let these thoughts out I guess.