So for a while I’ve realised that I’ve struggled with my mental health. For some reason I hate that I struggle with it, I feel stupid for even caring about it but I know that’s a terrible approach. *im a 17 year old female*

When I’m out with my friends or people who aren’t my mum/dad I’m happy as Larry and can have a great time, act silly etc however as soon as I step in the house I’m a COMPLETELY different person and I can feel the change happen. I end up being super miserable, sourpus face, and don’t show any other emotion other than anger and irritation. I don’t know why this is and I don’t know how to fix it. It’s as if I’m afraid to be happy near my family.

Some examples of it happening are when I’m in the kitchen doing my own thing, as soon as I hear someone coming and they walk in unbelievable anger washes over me. I’ve seen online that this happens to lots of people and it’s not just me but I still don’t like it. Another thing is when any of my family simply just speak to me, they either make conversations that I just don’t want to have or they talk but it’s in a voice that’s just not theirs - not like doing an impression but making it sound exaggerated happy and I can’t understand why it bugs me. My family are genuinely great to me and I have no reason to feel the way I do around them but I still happens. Another thing is for some reason I can’t let them come near me; when they do I have to move away and my mum gets angry at me for it and tells me it makes her feel like shit. I’m also uncomfortable being in scimpy clothes around them too which I guess could be normal but I feel like if I do they stare and I hate it!

A big thing for me is noises - I simply can’t stand them. My dad is notorious for constantly whistling, humming, singing etc when he’s moving about the house and over the years it’s angered me more and more and I can’t understand why. When he gets frustrated or angry (which seems to be very often🧐) he tends to make a lot of loud noises which makes the rage boil inside me. My mum whenever she’s talking to someone is just loud, as if she’s shouting to talk to them or exaggeratedly acting out whatever she’s talking about or simply just acting overly happy which just makes me mad?! My brother whenever he stands up, moves around, stands near you will sigh.. very loudly.. multiple times and again the rage boils in me??!! I can’t understand why I feel so horrendous around the people I’m meant to be most comfortable with and love. When I leave to be ok my own I feel really guilty and just bad for the way I act around them but I can’t seem to get a grip on it.

Any time I’ve been down, or even just generally struggling with my mental health it’s very visible in the way I look and act. It got to the point a while ago that I was close to ending my life because I was so down, I said this to my mum and she shouted at me for making her sad... way to go👊🏻 I understand that people don’t get mental health as much as others but she treats it as such a taboo topic. She phoned the nurse for me to talk to them and see if they could help me and because of this I thought she turned a new leaf and had finally after 17 years of life had started to understand me. Yesterday I had found out that it wasn’t because she had done it out of her own good will, but because someone I’m close to had messaged her to say they were worried about me and should possibly keep an eye on me.

*The nurse didn’t let me talk as much and tell her everything that was wrong but in the end she prescribed me some propanol (beta blockers) to ease the anxiety however after 3 1/2 days of taking them the only difference I’ve felt is being really tired, nothing else has changed*

My whole life I’ve felt different to my own family, like a complete outsider and I hate this feeling.

This post is a major ramble but if anyone has some advice on how I could maybe feel better around them or even just feel comfortable being in my house I’d greatly appreciate it!✨❤️