23 years old , I have been single all my life, but I have flirted and kissed a couple of guys at parties,clubs etc but never gone beyond that. I want to lose my virginity, I want to experience what girls take about or relate to but I am scared.

I am a victim of sexual abuse, when I was young about 8 years old or 9, we were neighbors with this man who worked near our house and he had sex with me, he did it for about 3 or 4 times and told me not to tell anyone, I have never told anyone, by that time I didn't know much about sex and in the area I was , it was a taboo to talk about it, it's my first time typing this story to tell someone, I remember it been was so painful, I am scared of that experience again.

I have had about 3 encounters with different guys but whenever I see the guys clothes are off, I start overthinking, I think about the first time pain, the guilty after sex, I get so nervous and I end up backing out. At this moment I prefer watching porn than actually thinking of having sex. It really hurts me and I don't know what to do.