It’s been a while since my last update. Many crazy things have happened. I quit my job and moved in with my grandmother. My depression had been getting worse. Me and my boyfriend were at a very bad point of our relationship at the end of last year but when January came I noticed he was putting in a lot of effort. He started doing online school and got a really good job. His band has been slowly getting more shows and he had been a lot happier. While he was getting busy I was slowly getting more unmotivated and still unsure about going back to college because of remote learning. I’ve been looking for another job but I don’t have my license so I’d have to take the bus. After everything that happened last year I got on birth control and we had been safer because I didn’t want another health concern to happen again. I still haven’t had the best relationship with my parents after I moved out but I come to stay with them sometimes. Other than me feeling very depressed my relationship with my parents were fine and my relationship with my boyfriend was going great even with the not seeing each other a lot. And then of course the karma of my life comes and I am on my fourth week and realize my period has been late and not coming when it’s supposed to. I knew I had been correctly taking my pill because the last thing I needed was to get pregnant. I had a emergency pregnancy test in my backpack because it’s rare I go to the store. And the test ended up being positive. I turn 19 in three months and this absolutely broke me down. My last period was on December 23. I took the test on February 2. It is now February 24 and I have had every single terrible symptom of pregnancy. I am not mentally in a state to have a baby. My boyfriend wants me to get an abortion this weekend because he knows we aren’t financially or mentally stable enough to raise a baby (even tho he has another two year old baby from his ex girlfriend. that baby is so bad but I love him to death and he calls me “ep mom” but I know that even caring for him is a struggle for my boyfriend). My family is very religious and this has been eating me up because I don’t know what the right choice will be. I don’t know how far along I am the calculator on the internet says that I am 9 weeks pregnant so I am scared it would be too late to take the abortion pill and I don’t think I could ever go through with a surgical abortion. I know that if I keep the baby I will be a terrible mother but I know if my family finds out I got an abortion if I go through with it that no one will ever talk to me again. If I keep the baby I know that no one will be supportive either so I am at a loss. There’s a lot of mistakes I’ve made in the past when I was younger like for example when me and my boyfriend broke up I ended up doing stuff with another stupid guy who manipulated me into thinking he just wanted to be friends and that completely destroyed my boyfriends trust for me and I’ve been working so hard to earn his trust back and show that I can be a better person but getting pregnant I feel like I ruined all of that work. I feel so guilty about things that don’t even matter anymore all because I feel like I would be such a shitty mom because I know I’ve been a shitty girlfriend in the past and I’m still trying to work on that. I feel so suicidal and alone and I just need some advice.