Every month, this is what I see. Ever since I lost my first and still only baby; an unexplainable stillbirth. The doctors assured me to keep trying, I will get pregnant again. I will become a mother again, they said. But this is what continuously rips my heart out of my chest every 24-26 days. This is what makes me sit on my toilet and cry for 30 minutes before I get on with my day. This is what makes me desperately rip a pregnancy test open (which I know I am not supposed to do) to see if I see even the faintest of a line. This is what makes me reluctant to see my husband in the morning because I have to tell him the disappointing news again; and even though he acts like he’s fine, I know it hurts him too. This is what makes me ask God, “Do you want me to be a mother? Because you took my first baby and haven’t given me another.” For about a year and a half now, this is the emotional rollercoaster I’ve been riding.

All that being said, I still have hope. I still believe that my rainbow baby is being perfectly made for me up in the heavens somewhere. And that one day when I see those 2 lines on a test again, all the pain and heartache will have been worth it. 💛