Domestic Violence Support
A group dedicated to promoting and preventing awareness of domestic violence in our neighborhoods
How Tell If He or She is a User or Abuser
These are some things I've learned over the years from my parents and my R.A.D (Rape Agression Defense) class.
1. He or she wants you to "losen up" or "have fun" by intoxicating you. This can create an opportunity where the person being intoxicated can be taken advantage of physically, sexually, or otherwise.
2. Other people tell you the person is abusive or a user. People outside a relationship can tell if there's abuse going on. Almost 99% of the time when other people tell you a person has a bad reputation they are telling the truth!
3. He or she tells you they are a good person and need to be given a chance. This sets off alarm bells in my opinion. When someone tells you something like that they are expecting you to accept abuse and are trying to buy your complacency or affection so they can get what they want out of you.
4. He or she shift the blame to you. They tell you something along the lines like, "It's not my fault I couldn't help myself" or "She won't have sex with me and it's her fault for being so hot". Abusers are unwilling to look themselves in a mirror and see who the real culprit is.
5. They offer to get you food or drink. Never ever accept food or drink that you haven't gotten yourself personally! This creates a similar situation similar to the one mentioned in number one.
6. They act overly friendly or nice. If you notice this, it may not necessarily mean that they are abusive but they possibly may be trying to get something out of you.
7. They shame you into staying with them. Phrases like, "If you really love me you'll stay" or "You have no other place to go" tells you they are bad news.
If one or more of these fits the person you are with, then they are definitely abusive or a user. You usually have to be your own advocate or get another person to be one for you for these kinds of things. I've heard that human services and such don't do much of anything when it comes to putting these kind of people where they belong that is, inside of a jail cell.
If you think you are being unkind to them by charging them with abuse you are not. I believe many abusers don't know any better or can't learn from their actions in any other way by
you taking action against them. True love is not doing what they want but what is best for them and yourself.
If you have children, please consider them as well. Abuse often takes a toll on children emotionally to say the least or they could end up becoming abusers themselves.