I told a few family members I was expecting weeks ago when I first found out naively.

At first I was overjoyed and happy to become a mom and have a baby, and thought about all the cute maternity photo shoots and baby shower ideas I had.

But a few days earlier, reality set in. I have no plan. No husband, no mental and emotional stability, no career, no degree. And not even that — I’m 30 days shy of my 21st birthday which I’m ecstatic for. A baby was never in my plans. I’m single. I don’t even have a boyfriend let alone a wedding ring, yeah I could choose to be a single mother and have my baby. But nothing is more mortifying and embarrassing to me then the thought of being big and pregnant and alone. Not only that but everybody I know would talk about me if I popped up pregnant especially when it’s known that I’m very single right now.

And for the worse part, I’m already overweight as it is. It’s a good chance I’ll be near 300 pounds at the end of my pregnancy if I carried to term not to mention I could die of preeclampsia while giving birth. I don’t want to be somebodies mother right now, cooped up in the house changing poopy diapers and listening to them cry. I don’t want an intimate connection with somebody right now where I’ll have to constantly worry about them or feel like I have to die for them.

Right now life is all about ME. I wake up worried about my next outfit, my next meal, MY money and MY bills. I’m in my prime right now, the whole thing would be killed if I had a baby as a single mother. My entire lifestyle would go down. I don’t even have a high school diploma. I don’t deserve to birth a baby into dysfunction with no father.

Yeah I could always do adoption. But why would I risk my life & mental state & getting to know a baby for 9 months just for me to give it away? Because somebody else will love it? Because I should give a person who can’t have babies a chance to love mine? PSH. I would never subject my baby to adoption or foster care, because I’m Hispanic — and there are tons of black and brown children who bounce around the system for years being abused and mistreated.

I hate having to do this, but the temporary discomfort I feel from this would never match up to the lifetime of hardship and dysfunction I would give my unborn.