Ok Ladies, ... LONG post ahead!!!

I'm 41, we've been TTC for YEARS with no success. I had an <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IUI</a> last month and it didn't take.

I have a couple of small fibroids and last month my husband's counts were only about 19 (million?).

The <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IUI</a> itself was very uncomfortable. The speculum scraped me from my vagina to my rectum and it actually stung when I peed. The insemination was also no picnic. I had a sharp painful cramp when it happened. But I didnt say anything bc it was 100x less painful than my HSG and similar bubble test. The Dr. who performed my 1st <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IUI</a> was kind, but very honest. Too honest for my little sensitive, emotional self. She told me to look into <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a> and that's not guaranteed. She also said that I need to start calling around now bc I only have about 6 months left to conceive... I guess they feel that 42 is a death sentence... This Dr was not my typical Dr. I go to a well known and well Loved practice. My Dr was was at the hospital that day. I dont fault the Dr and I appreciate her honesty. But I left feeling like we would never be able to have our own family and that my chances were slim. When I wasn't pregnant last cycle I was devastated. I cried, I felt like all was lost, and I was angry. Angry at myself, angry at my husband, angry with God! I was absolutely heart broken.

My husband I had a very long discussion about our goals and our life together with and with out our own family. He was unaware that his counts were so low and took action to change that! He researched his options and began taking some male fertility supplements and cleaned up his diet and exercise habits. I also began to eat cleaner and started walking more and listening to guided meditations. My anxiety had been through the roof! In fact I had a full blown anxiety attack. That has only happened one other time in my life... I went back to my Dr on day 3 for a "Clomid check". I have great timing and it happened to be my regular Dr's day off. I was booked with the Dr who performed my <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IUI</a>. We talked again about my health, age, and changed my meditation. I was switched from Clomid to Letrozole.

At my OB you pay for 2 IUIs. If the 1st one doesn't work, you have a second chance the next cycle. 15 days ago I had my second <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IUI</a> and the differences between the two visit are remarkable! Firstly, my husband's counts went from 19 to over 64!! I had a different Dr also. Apparently I have "an uncooperative cervix", so she changed to a longer speculum. She did prepare me for some mild cramping, talled me through what she was doing, and within seconds she was finished. I never felt a thing. Even the check in process felt different. It felt positive. I didnt feel hopeless. The receptionist really put me at ease by telling me most women need 2 cycles of IUIs. Of course idk if she was being truthful or just easing my nerves. However she really did help me.

Last month I began cramping around day 10, spotting at day 12. Bad, cramping day 13, and then started my full cycle on day 14.

This month, I am now 15 days past my <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IUI</a>, my period was predicted today and is missed!!!! I had some odd/ weird, one sided cramping around days 21/22, and some twinges/ tickles for most the next 3-4 days.. Today is cycle day 31 or 15 days post <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IUI</a>. I am hopeful and excited, but I told myself I would wait until 17 days post <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IUI</a> to test... That's this Saturday.

Has anyone else ever been so excited and absolutely terrified at the same time? I want to take a test now. However, my husband is at work and I dont want to take that away from him. I want us to read it together. But I still have the what ifs. I'm still so ridiculously nervous!! I wish I had that Miraculous Angels Singing moment of just knowing that I was pregnant.... but I don't.

I'm extremely full of faith, but not necessarily religious. I was raised Catholic in a huge extended family (Boston Irish), but I dont attend church services... This past cycle I did not keep my fears to myself. I asked for my family and close friends to pray for my Husband and I. I began focusing on asking for my uterus to be filled with Divine Love and Light, bc I needed something to desperately focus on to keep my sanity and anxiety in check! Also. Bc I do truly believe in the power of prayer.

I also teach preschool at a child care center, it has been a blessing and an absolute curse to be teaching everyone else's children while not feeling like I could have my own. The children and their families are so amazing and kind. But I was envious and bitter. I almost left my career this fall to work in medical company's call center. Trust me. It would be absolute torture!! I am NOT disciplined enough for that kind of job. I have the attention span of a 5 year old! Haha

Ladies... Idk. I'm praying I'm pregnant, I'm prayer YOU'RE pregnant!!!! I dont have my BFP, yet.. but I'm praying I am. Keep your faith ladies. Faith in yourself. Faith in your body. Faith in Love. Faith in whatever religion or beings you choose!

Thank You all for letting me ramble! 🤞🏻🙏🤰👶🤱💖