Ok, I’ve never ranted on Glow but I just need to today. Apologies if this is long and omg I don’t expect anyone to read the whole thing lol. Sometimes you just need to write it down you know??

I am so sick of being a stay at home mom. It was never the plan really. I was placed on medical leave at 5 weeks pregnant due to being high risk. 35 of the most BORING weeks later we had Fritzi, then covid happened, my husband got permanent residency status in Canada so, in June 2020 in the middle of a worldwide pandemic we sold our house, cars, camper, boat, packed up a container, our dog, our infant and headed back to a new town we’d only visited a few times in Canada. I hadn’t lived in my home country in 4 years at that point so we decided I would ride out my German mat leave until February 2021 and I’d find work after that.

Fast forward to now and, my province has had strict closed borders since we moved here so for one, we’ve had zero help getting settled or just even emotional support, date nights etc, since all my family and friends live out of province and cannot come here. I cannot travel there either without a mandatory 14 day hotel quarantine upon my return. I know exactly zero people here. Furthermore, childcare in my area has been so hard to find, I bring Fritzi to a babysitter twice a week but this lady is just so lazy and cancels often and brings the baby out for errands without asking and lets her watch tv all day, I am so overwhelmed with guilt but the cleaning needs to be done and I seriously need a sec to breathe and shower.

Did I mention the house has been under renovation since the day we moved in, so Fritzi still sleeps in our room so we can just go ahead and forget about intimacy? Fun times.

We found a full time spot for her at a fantastic dayhome but the spot won’t become available until September. I’ve decided to stop with the babysitter once the snow’s gone and we can do a little more outside. Being tired and depressed I’ve found myself being lazy from time to time with the baby and I’ve been hurting for activity ideas that are new and creative.

My husband has found so much success in his career here and works late often, to afford us the best and although I am so proud of him and grateful for his sacrifice, I am secretly jealous of him and during dark times I resent him so much, as pitiful as that may sound. He is an amazing father and helps as much as he can. But I used to be so respected in my field of work both here in Canada, and in Germany, and now I’m reduced to this yoghurt-stained, sweatpants-wearing, grey-haired wrinkled baby helper. I really miss working and feeling pride in my career.

I’ve been drowning for months and can’t seem to figure out which direction is the water’s surface. To top it off I see my friends back home with kids fritzi’s age, looking fresh and f-ing breezy, all pregnant again with all the help from their moms and siblings, getting together for coffee and taking selfie’s and I just want to scream at them to stop showing off because I can’t handle my life at the moment.

I am very much aware every new mom in the world, regardless of their situation, goes through this in the beginning. But at which point does it get easier? I can’t do this much longer...