I’ve struggled with this since I was 18 and had to suddenly move out of my moms house. While my transition out of her house wasn’t terrible and I’ve always consistently had jobs that were enough for all of my bills, having a job makes me not want to live.

It’s silly and I understand obviously to live and obtain things to survive and have things I want I have to have a job and earn my money. But, for the last four years of my life going to work is the core of my depression and anxiety. Spending my time at a place that I don’t love and that I don’t enjoy being there makes me not want to get out of bed. Even my days off I can’t relax bc I’m buzzing with anxiety over having to go back to work.

I have a career path in mind and it’s something I think I could do well in but at the same time I’ve been so depressed for so long I’ve lost my identity and I don’t even know who I am anymore. Pursuing a career I loved the idea of at 18 and trying to think about it now doesn’t feel the same. I don’t know what I like. I don’t know what interests me in a normal way let alone something I could do for a career.

I feel trapped in this cycle and I know my fiancé and I will never be in a financial position for me to be a stay at home wife/mom. It’s just not possible. I feel selfish for feeling this way because we have been very fortunate with the things we have and what we’ve worked to have. But throughout all of this I am just suffering silently, when I tell my fiancé about it he just feels bad bc he can’t provide for us enough for me to stay at home. I’m miserable. To me, life isn’t worth it anymore if I have to work till I die. I’d literally rather not exist than to think of another 40-50 years of this.

Yes, I did counseling for a few months but I had to stop because couldn’t afford it anymore. I’ve researched all kinds of different counseling in person and online and I just can’t afford it.

Sorry for the read, thanks if you made it to the end lol. :/