I’m just so fed up of everything. Not even fed up I guess, just... I’m in a complete state of despair.

Everything I touch just turns to absolute shit and I don’t know how long I can keep holding onto the hope that it will just magically pass by itself. I know I need to help myself, and I do try, I try so god damn hard, but I’m just not getting anywhere.

I have an absolutely amazing, clever, loving little boy who I’m always a little too quick to lose my patience with. My husband is desperate for some love and affection and craves feeling like he’s wanted but I’m always just so cold. My widowed grandmothers are both getting on, both suffering with poor health, and I keep telling myself I’ll call them and check in tomorrow.. always tomorrow.. and I’m just so angry and disgusted with myself because I know that one day, tomorrow will just be too late. My parents are going through some hard times right now, and I’m trying to help but don’t want to pry into their business and I know they’d just be so much more stressed if they were to know how worried I am about them. I’m finally- after three years of being a SAHM and working part time from home in the odd hour I can steal- able to return to work next month, but I’m already drowning in the workload and underprepared for how to manage an entire business by myself again, though I’m too strong willed and stubborn to accent any help and want to prove to myself that I CAN do it.

Every day I tell myself to just keep on going because the alternative isn’t an option. Letting my precious son grow up without me, his safety blanket and the person he cries out for when he needs comfort? Putting my parents through the constant doubt and guilt and heartache that they could have done more? Having my wonderful husband pick up the pieces and try to carry on with this life we’d planned together, in our beautiful home, with only our treasured memories to keep him going? No fucking way. Any amount of pain and suffering I face is worth it ten times over. And that’s what grounds me; knowing that to my son, I am everything. To my parents, and my partner, I am a rock when they need to lean on me. I am needed, and I am loved beyond words. I just need to keep going.