I use to be very close to God. I was 18 and a born again Christian. I taught a Sunday school class, was on he praise team, and even preached on youth nights. I was a good person and so happy with myself, I read my bible and communicated with God on the daily. It was something I constantly thought about and practiced. Until I met a guy. I grew very close to him very quickly but told him from the start who I was and that I would stick to my belief in God before I would pursue a relationship with him. He ended up pressuring me into sex one night and after that everything just went downhill. After that first time it became very consistent. I was staying with him almost every night, I stopped doing my church activities bc I knew God wouldn’t bless me if I was faking it in front of the church. Eventually I moved in with this guy and quit going to church all together, the conviction and disappointment from not only God but from my church was too much for me. I knew that wasn’t Gods plan for my life but I really thought I loved him and he loved me. He ended up cheating on me all the time, talking down to me, and it

got to the point where the only thing we done “right” was have sex. We fought all the time. I became somebody I hated. We were together almost a year and he broke up with me. Kicked me out in the cold at almost midnight and I had to have my mom come get me. I found out 4 days later that I was pregnant. I started going back to church just bc my mom went, I went to the front and prayed and everybody acts like I’m better but I know I’m not. I still hate myself for turning my back on God, and I hate that now I have a baby as a reminder of all that I gave up on. I love this baby and I will give her the best life I can but I don’t know how to move past this. It doesn’t help when my Pastor and other members of the church constantly make jokes about what I done and constantly use me as an example of what not to be to the other young girls in the church. I want to move on and get back my relationship with God and learn to forgive myself too but it feels impossible to do when it seems like not even the members of the church can forgive me. I grew up in this church and couldn’t imagine finding a new church but being looked down on still after 7 months of being back in church it makes me not even want to go most days. Half the time I just go bc my mom goes. I don’t know what to do I just want to forget my mistakes and move

on and learn to love myself again.