Just a warning, this may trigger some people...

I don’t even know why I’m writing this on here. I think I’m honestly just sick of talking to the people who already know me and know my story. I hate getting their pitty looks and their same answers “it will get better in time”, “God has a plan” , “if you need anything I’m here” and then they change the subject as fast as they can...

My brother died March 5th 2019. There was an accident with a gun and he didn’t make it. He was only 26. I can’t even look at or hear a gun anymore.

My boyfriend/best friend died exactly 6 months later. September 5th 2019. A single car accident. His car went over a bridge, into a lake. He and I always agreed that we were soulmates. We were friends for 10 years. We dated for 6 years. He was always there for me and now I feel so empty without him. He was my rock and the only person that could look at me and know exactly how I was feeling and how to calm my anxiety.

4 months later my grandfather passed way. January 24th 2020. He had cancer and even tho we knew death was coming and he had talked to us about it... it was still hard to see him go. He always said, “death isn’t the end. It’s just the begging”... I just wish we had more time.

I’m just really struggling. After my brother died I quit my job and moved back home to be closer to my family. Then I realized that being back home just made me even sadder... so I moved out of state. I started going back to college but I couldn’t focus so I dropped out again. I don’t know how to move forward. I can’t watch a movie with my friends if there’s shootings involved, drownings, car accidents, cancer... so I just avoid people now. I keep looking at the calendar and counting down how long it’s been since they’ve all been gone and I feel like I’m waiting on something but I know they aren’t coming back.

I’ve seen a psychiatrist and honestly felt like she just made me feel even worse. Talking to her just brought up regrets and bad memories.

I can’t sleep and I just keep losing weight.

I’m sorry this is so long... for whoever has kept reading, thank you. I just need suggestions. What has helped you when you have lost loved ones?? Books?? Blogs?? I’ve been doing some soul searching and I used to be Christian but now I’m just confused. It’s been 2 years and I just don’t know how to feel better. Some days are ok, but a lot of times the grieving hits me hard. I try my best to hide it now because I can tell my family and friends don’t want to have the same conversations any more. I just miss them more than anything. I feel pretty alone with them gone.