I hate my ex. Can anyone relate?

I don't want to say I hate him. But these period hormones are not helping. We've been in a on again off again relationship for 7 years. I understand he will not change, but I go back because he now has his own house and the sex is out of this world. Plus he's the best looking man I've ever seen. He cares about me when he wants to. He's not emotionally stable enough to handle any other emotion besides happiness and horniness. He tells me he doesn't want to talk about it. Over the years he has been physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive. I almost killed myself because of him but he stopped me. I've been emotionally draining to him and I use to be physically abusive. We've both dated other people and came back together. I cheated more times than I'd like to admit but my lame excuse is that I was acting out because he raped me. He has dated me and another girl at the same time twice. Theres issues we still have and bumps we have to get over but he will not talk it out with me. For example, he sexually abused me a few times so now when we have sex if he strokes a certain way or if he's a bit forceful I'll go into reject mode and break down panicking. I just want him to understand he needs to treat me with care and be appreciative that he's not in jail. He's a free man, and I require the bare minimum from him and he can barely do that. Sounds like a mess doesn't it? It is. Besides the stupid stuff I did, I tried my best. I was there for him emotionally when he was going through so much. I spent a lot of money on him, I babied him and spoiled him when he was in school and when he wasn't working because I felt bad for him. His mom treated him like crap, and he was molested as a child. I just felt so bad, I wanted to help him and make him happy. That cost me my sanity. He doesn't check up on me to see if I'm ok. When I go through things he wants me to deal with it by myself. Like the day after I learned my sister was shot to death in front of her children by her son's father, I laid in his bed with him and cried and he did absolutely nothing to comfort me. When he lived with his mom and I'd go home late at night he wouldn't watch me go across the street to my house. His mom had a problem with that and she'd watch me go in. So two days ago I believe was the last straw for me. I shouldn't have went to his house but I did and we ate panera, and had some of the greatest sex ever. He said he didn't know what was going on with my lady parts but he came like 5 times. He was knocked out. So I was super sex high and I had to go home so I said babe can you please walk me to the bus stop even though I'm walking to the train. He didn't even want to do that. The train station was up a hill so there was no way he'd walk me there. But I was sex high and dizzy and I had to go home before it got dark, I was a long way from home. He said he wouldn't walk with me to the train but facetime him and it'll be like he's walking with me. I said ok. We facetime and he says I'll have to wait until he gets back home because he can't hear me. 1 minute later he is home and I hear his house mate's voice, and then silence. I'm on facetime with silence 80% of the way home. He eventually does come back but I wanted to know why he didn't say anything about not being on facetime so I could call someone else for my safety. I was sex high the whole way home. I didnt have money for an uber/lyft. He had just got paid that day but he has bills and he invests most of his check and loves to show me the thousands of dollars he has saved up and then when we're hungry he wants me to buy the food. He drives me insane and I think I'm officially done now. He said he treated his ex the way I wanted to be treated yet she treated him like dirt. I said why can't you do those things for me? He said he doesn't know, it's just different with me.. he dated her for about 4 months. He let her move in for a couple months and she started beating on him. But he tells me to spend the night and to move in and then turn around and say when I'm emotional he doesn't want me to live with him. I told him we'd have to work like hell just to make this work. But its dead now.. and just please send good vibes..

Can anyone relate? Maybe I'm the only stupid one here. Please don't be mean in the comments, I'm on my period and ready to cry my life out.