Trigger warning*** please do not read if you are sensitive

I found out at 21-22 weeks of pregnancy that my son had a heart condition and hydronephrosis... when they find them they did the NIPT test to check for downs and Edwards syndrome which came back low risk... but that still didn't stop me from worrying and stressing... he was born on April 7th at 37 weeks and we only got to spend an hour with him before he was wheeled off to the NICU because he couldn't regulate his temperature and his blood sugar was really low... we had to leave him for 2 days in the hospital I couldn't sleep I cried and cried... when we finally bring him home he lasted 8 days at home with us.. we had to go for his echo on the 20th to find out his heart rate was bouncing from high to normal every so often during the US and when he spit up it was ALOT even coming out of his nose which he had been doing but was told it was normal newborn problems to find out my gut was right it wasn't normal we were told to go to the pediatric icu and we had been here since the 20th they are saying we might get to go home tomorrow the 22nd if he stays doing great they are changing his formula from similac neosure to similac spit up

I feel guilty like its my fault he has so many issues and all I wanna do is kill myself I feel like I don't deserve to live (I'm not going to do it I just feel this way) I've tried talking to someone doesn't help me I refuse to take medicine and ruin my body I start crying out of the blue still all I wanna do is hold my baby and comfort him and get rid of his problems I'm scared that if I fall asleep he'll die not just because of his problems but because he doesn't cry he fusses and when he does cry he's really quiet sounding

I'm such a mess I feel like I can't do anything right and I've been running ragid since he was born but atleast I know he's OK