How do you do it? I've been ttc for 2 and a half years now with no success, and I'm just done. I'm tired of loving myself for two weeks and then despising myself for two weeks every single month. I've spent thousands on meds and donor sperm, and it's all just been wasted because my body doesn't work right. I've tried everything from meds to meditation, I even lost 100lbs! But I'm not going to have a baby. I'm just not.

I have always wanted kids, I adore kids. I didn't work in childcare for six years because I loved making minimum wage and waking up at 4am every day! I've never been a big aspiration kind of person; I don't have a dream job, or a dream house, I don't really have goals I work towards. I'm content to just be. My one, single desire from life was a child. And I can't do it.

So how do I stop wanting it? I'll never be able to afford <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">ivf</a>, or adoption, and fostering in my state is brutal. I was going to be a smbc (single mom by choice) so there is no boyfriend or husband around to get me pregnant once I relax. It I stop actively trying, I am giving up every single chance I might have at having a child. It will never happen for me.

Ttc hurts so much, but watching my sisters and cousins pop out kids is going to hurt so so much more, I just know it. I'm waiting with baited breath for my sister and her boyfriend to announce any day now that they're pregnant, since that's how my life works.

I've deleted everything baby related on my phone except for a couple tracking apps, which I will be deleting after AF comes in a few days and confirms that I'm not meant to have kids, but how else do I avoid the things I currently obsess over?

I can delete apps and pictures and pinterest boards, and donate everything baby related or ttc related I own, but I'm not just going to forget that I failed so spectacularly at the one thing I'm supposed to be able to do. Am I always going to have this gaping hole in my life? Am I always going to feel like a failure?