So I'm looking for advice and I have some questions. Mostly for non binary, gender fluid, trans, bisexual/pansexual women, and lesbians but first some context. I'm currently living my life as a cis het (I'm out to a few friends and my boyfriend as bi but none of my family knows) 20yo female, but I'm very confused on if this is truly who I am. I'm not sure if I'm bi because I've never been with a girl. I find a lot of women very attractive but I've never even kissed a girl and the idea sounds good but low-key also grosses me out at the same time. I don't know if maybe it's some internalized homophobia from growing up with homophobic influences or if I'm actually not sexually attracted to women and I'm too scared to ever go through with it or even try. I'm wondering if I'm not bi and maybe I just want to look like the women I find attractive? I never had to question whether I was attracted to men so it's very confusing to have to question whether I'm attracted to women. I'm also struggling with my gender identity though so I'm not sure if I do even want to look like the women I find attractive. Ever since I was little (like 5) I was doing things that make me feel like I'm probably not cis. When I was 5 I tried to pee standing up because I wanted to be like a boy. When I was 7 I asked my step mom if girls can turn into boys. When I started getting boobs I refused to wear a bra or even acknowledge them because I didn't want them. In middle school I started drawing facial hair on myself with make up and wearing my hair up in a way that made it look short. I always presented as female in public but liked the way I looked as a "guy" better. After middle school I kinda just moved on and went about my life as who I am now until I recently started hanging out with a non binary friend a lot more and I've started questioning myself again. I even started feeling a little weird about my hair being long and like it didn't look right on me lately which never happened before. As an adult I mostly haven't questioned my gender because I do enjoy looking like a girl usually. I do feminine makeup when I wanna feel girly and I don't hate having a women's body anymore, I kind of embrace it now. But I did some makeup and gave myself facial hair and bushy eyebrows and a bit of contour to make myself look more manly again tonight for the first time since middle school and felt really happy with the way I looked and I've been thinking about ways to make myself look more androgynous or more manly for the last couple nights. I've also been liking the idea of using they/them pronouns but I don't want to out myself in order to try them. So to all the bi/pan/gay people, how did you know that your attraction to the same sex wasn't just envy or like oh yeah that person looks really nice? To all the trans/nb/gender fluid people, how did you know that you weren't cis? What did dysphoria feel like to you? And have any of you gone through anything I'm going through?

Sorry this is long but I'm really struggling here and any help would be appreciated. This isn't even everything that's flying around in my little brain right now about this either but this is as short as I could make it lol. I feel a little dumb asking strangers on the internet for ?validation? I guess as it is but I just need other people's perspectives on it and I don't have anyone I can really mull any of this over with in my personal life so please don't be mean or negative.