Hello mamas!

I have a 3 year old and I adore him. Last year hubby and I decided to finally try for our second... why I say finally? (Please no judgement) but when my son was 6 months, I was very stressed, going through depression and anxiety due to a demanding job I had and I would get home late preventing me from being a mother and doing my mommy duties. I tested positive and was 5 weeks pregnant. I went to my doctor and told them I wasn’t ready. I cried for weeks and it didn’t feel right. I ended up taking “the pill” to not be pregnant again. What transpired after was an array of emotions. I always thought I was pro anything a woman wanted but my heart and soul did not feel right. My husband was supportive. My grandmother but not my mom. I was devastated and to an extent regretted it. I still live with that decision and always say I would never ever do that again. Especially now that I had two miscarriages and now after the second miscarriage it has been difficult to conceive. Its been 6 months and I keep testing negative. My tests are all normal except for a small deficiency for vitamin b12. I blame myself. I feel all Gods are angry at me. I tested negative yesterday after having tracked my ovulations and doing everything I thought was right. Maybe I was just meant to have 1 child and it is not up to me anymore. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason but I can’t help but feel devastated. Devastated at not being able to conceive, devastated at two miscarriages and devastated at the choice I made. I think im ready to put this away for a while. I am not going to try anymore. My mental health is in desperate need of some peace and quiet from all the noise in my head. Thank you for listening.