Finally feels like Mother’s Day

Last Mother’s Day was the first day I realized I had postpartum depression. I remember sitting on the couch breastfeeding my 7 week old and my mom walked up to me as asked if I needed anything and I said no. I remember just trying to breathe through the nausea and the deep feelings of self loathing and pure darkness that were coming over me (thanks D-MER). My mom kept insisting that I needed to eat. She was right though. At 7 weeks post partum I had already lost more than what I had gained during pregnancy because I never wanted to eat (I’m the opposite of an emotional eater) She kept asking and kept asking what I wanted to eat and finally I told her I needed her to just shut up and go away. I am I very non confrontational person so that was very out of character. After that we all took pictures and I just look so blank. There was no life to my eyes. My face looked like stone.

I remember sitting on my parents porch holding my tiny baby and my husband bought my a glass of wine and said “here I’ll take the baby, you go sit in the sun and enjoy your wine.” I just remember thinking “yes. Thank god. This is all I’ve wanted to do all day.” And it bought me no joy. Instead I remember feeling like a shell of a human. The wine didn’t taste good. The sun didn’t feel good. I just felt like I was watching life happen around me. I didn’t feel anything.

The next day was my postpartum check up and I remember telling my OB I felt like I just had an off day but I’ll be fine. Those “off days” kept coming. 10 weeks later I started therapy and medication for my PPD.

Today was different. I went to my moms house and watched my parents play with my now 1 year old. We took pictures and all of them are horrible because this time I’m smiling too big. My eyes are closed because I’m laughing so hard. We put my daughter down for her nap and my husband bought me my glass of wine in the sun and immediately I thought “this is heaven. This is everything I wanted and more.” I felt the sun burning me. I enjoyed my glass of wine. This was the best day I have had in a long time. And I have never felt more deserving.

PPD was rough as hell. But I finally feel like I’m having way more good days that bad days. For anyone else struggling with it, it does get better. There is a light at the end. It’s a long long tunnel. But the other side is better than you can ever imagine.