Should I stay or go?

I am going to try to make this Long story short. So I will be married for 4 years in September but we have been Together for 10 years total. We have 2 kids together, an 8 year old and a 15month old. The type of marriage we had was full of trust and I never bugged him about anything or going with his friends, and he never bugged me or questioned it. Had each other’s password to the phones and all that good stuff. I thought everything was perfect up until June 2019. I received a message on fb saying my husband cheated on me. (Let’s just say he got a little to comfortable ) The girl contacted me and I didn’t want to believe it because at this time I had just found out I was pregnant. And I know too much stress can sometimes cause a miscarriage. When she explained what happened, she was saying it was a one night stand and she later found out who he was and found out that he was married, then decided to contact me.

I later then confronted my husband and he told me what happened and confirmed it was a one night stand. But it wasn’t easy, he was beating around the bush and tried to deny everything until I showed him the message. Then he just started saying sorry and just kept on apologizing and I just knew right then that my nightmare had came true.

After hours of arguing, I slept in a separate bedroom with the doors locked, crying myself to sleep. When I woke up i had a gut feeling and something told me to ask him were there more than one. After being with someone for so long you just know when they are lying or telling the truth. Again he kept on denying it and denying it. But I was persistent , I told him to give me his phone right then and there and that if he didn’t give me the phone i would leave right then. He hesitated (I knew then my gut feeling was right) but I yelled at him and told me to give me the phone. He was startled and then slowly gave me the phone. I went through the phone and my eyes started a stream and as I kept going through the phone my eyes eventually turned into a waterfall. I had seen sooo many social media messages of him commenting on girls photos and trying to get their numbers and hitting on different women. I looked up at him and asked him how many women has he slept with since we have been Together. He didn’t want to tell me but I finally got him to say. There were 4 different women, 1 was before we got married he slept with her 3x. The others 3 was after we got married. 1 was a stripper for a one night stand, 1 was a girl he met at the bar and they had actual conversations and dates and he slept with her 2x until he finally told her he was married and she cut him off. And the last on was the girl that wrote me on FB.

At that moment I was so overwhelmed with information I just left the house and came back the next day. When I got back, he was at work, I had cut my phone my back on. With over 20 different voicemails and over 50 messages. I had everything bottled up inside of me. I didn’t tell a soul. I wanted to call someone but I had no one to vent to because I didn’t want anyone knowing what was going on. So just sat there and sulked until he came home. When he came home I ignored him all day until it was dinner time. I didn’t cook I just grabbed me some food And left him hanging. He got the message and tried to hug me. I pushed him away and just glared at him trying not to cry again. He sat down cause he knew there was more to be talked about. I had asked him why did he do it? Why didn’t he just leave me or just tell me he didn’t wanna get married if he was gonna cheat? He sat in silence and eventually said he did it because of lust and he was enjoying their company, alcohol, because I wasn’t around when he “needed” me. I was working 12 hour night shifts at the time. I just couldn’t believe it he did it. And I just left it alone debating on what I should do.

After some months went by my pregnancy went along the baby was healthy, he came to all of the doctors appointments, was being more attentive, and basically he doesn’t want me to leave him so I felt he was doing everything he can to keep the family together. I wanted to keep our family together and didn’t want to be a single mom and fear of what our families was going to say. So I stayed.

After I had the baby, the topic came back up and we argued again, I asked him the same question why did he do it, his answer was the same as the first time. I left it alone again But this time, I had more strength and I didn’t cry. My attitude changed and I could tell my trust was broken. I would always question him when he would go to work or who he was talking to. Things never went back to normal.

In Jan 2021 our son turned 1, and we were celebrating his birthday and I was just looking around at how happy my little family was. But next thing you know I was filled with anger because the memories just came rushing back of when he cheated. I kept it to myself and held it all in. One day I was talking to my cousin/best friend and I eventually opened up to her about everything. She was shocked and mad and she just looked at me because she knew I was going through it all alone and gave me a big hug. And told me that I have her support in whatever I choose to do. I let it all out that day. And it felt great.

After some thinking I decided to bring it up to him one more time. This time his answer was a little different. He said the reason he did it was because he never had anyone love him like i did and he didn’t know how to take it. He was so use to thinking that cheating was ok from his past and from the men in his family until the day I caught him. He said the day he realized he was gonna lose me, he had changed and became a different person and knows to appreciate me more. I told him he took me for granted. And ask him would he have told me if I never found out. He said he was willing to take it all the grave with him and carry it on his shoulders, but when he finally told me, he said he felt weight was lifted off his shoulders. He told me if we were to divorce he will still love me and support me and wait for me until i am healed again, he just wants me to be happy.

So From the day he got caught until now I would say my husband has changed in a good way. The only issue is that my trust for him was completely shattered. I’m currently doing self love/ self care / and self healing treatments to help uplift me. I still love my husband and he is my best friend. But our trust is broken. Whenever he goes out of town for business or anything, I’m calling him, or wondering if he is out there cheating on me again. He calls me all the time and I confirm he isn’t doing anything. But I always have that thought in my head and my heart when he leaves the house.

I just want some advice or something or share your experiences and how you dealt with this type of situation? Is it worth saving or should I just leave and become co parents and eventually time will tell and we might come back together.

Thanks in advance!