Needing some encouragement

I've never struggled this hard being a mom. I've never struggled this hard with a complex baby. All my boys slept. By 13 weeks, they fell asleep @ bedtime and slept a good stretch. Of course they woke up and of course I was stressed, but this? This never ends. Lily has strides where she gets better somewhat for a few days and I cry tears of relief thinking this is finally over, I have made it through the dark time..but then it's back to sleep and wake multiple times until midnight all over again. I'm back to rocking and nursing until 11+ pm to get her to bed. It takes up my entire night after working all day and taking care of my 1 year old, 4 year old and supporting my 2nd grader schooling from home. I feel so defeated some nights I want to run away. Literally hit the floor running, slam open the door and run as fast as I can down the street, past the mailboxes and onto the highway. OUT. 🤞Peace out. I've done my time. I can't do this anymore. I've tried my best to make this work and I have failed. I give up. 😔 ... Well these are the thoughts I have anyway. Some nights I sit and stare after she's asleep and I wish I had chosen a different life. Maybe I would chose to be childless like my sister, maybe she knew what was up.

I'm not looking for advice anymore, I've done it all and I've come to the simple conclusion that she just doesn't fall asleep and sleep that damn good. And that's okay. Right? Some people just don't. But after 3 babies that did and my busy life, I just feel heartbroken and exhausted by it all. I've spent hundreds of dollars on sleep props and sound machines and black out curtains and taking Cara babies and sleep tips and courses. Some things work. Then we start all over again 🤷 She's back to refusing a bottle. She refuses a pacifier. She refuses anything but waking up again and again.

I'm exhausted.

Has anyone had a baby like this? How did you cope? Or did you loose your fucking mind? I am just starting to feel like I dislike my life and it hurts so bad 💔

Can someone tell me this will be ok? Because I just don't know anymore..