Hey ladies, sorry this is long and not sure if this is TW or not but when I was 17 (21 now) I was in a relationship with a man 7 years older than me and still a virgin and one day we were sort of messing around and he was behind me he shoved it in a few times and then sort of rolled off like nothing happened. I got upset and cried and he apologized profusely and said he “couldn’t tell the difference” and didn’t realize he took my virginity. I felt so violated and hurt and felt like my body had been destroyed and cried a lot, every day for a few weeks and he comforted me. Eventually I resolved that since he took my virginity it would be slutty to leave him and be with someone else so a few weeks later I told myself I loved him and had consensual sex with him and this continued daily for about 5 months and most of the time I felt gross/used after and cried. Throughout this tune he didn’t want a label on our relationship and He would periodically bring up how he “accidentally” took my virginity and how “hot” it was. I would always get really sad after those comments and he kept making them. Eventually my mom found out about the relationship and forced a breakup (very traumatic). He got weird after that told me I was immature and should be living on my own by now and tried to guilt trip me and manipulate me “no one will be as good as me” and even asked me to marry him and run away with him to live at his fathers house after we broke up. I saw right through it even though I loved him and tried to distance myself slowly since he was borderline stalkerish and drove three hours and tried to have me meet him in the woods at night. Also he told me he first liked me sexually when I was 14. That was the final straw. He married someone else barely a year later.

I had one hookup after we broke up and realized it was NOT my thing and dated a couple online and eventually met my current partner about two years ago. My mom flipped out when we started dating (I was almost 20) and forced us to break up and said some AWFUL things about him. We have stayed together for two years in sort of a pseudo LDR until we both move out of our parents houses. So this being said, we don’t see one another very often and have only had sexual contact about 5 times in the last two years. We are both a bit non traditional and part of the LGBTQ community. but for me specifically I have been having issues every time we are intimate. Every time I feel great and he’s caring and loving and very gentle but he’s not crazy about sex and afterwards I always feel so unlovable and unwanted and I end up depersonalizing and feeling depressed and detached for the week after, this happens sometimes with non sexual physical intimacy as well. We met up on Friday and ended up having sex for the first time in 18 months (pandemic) and foreplay was great but I was too in my head to get off during the act and constantly worried he didn’t like me and not used to touching other people and we were both a bit too tired to care and snuggled after and and Thing I can’t get out of my head how much he probably didn’t enjoy it and was unhappy and secretly doesn’t like me and is just using me for (very bad) sex. I feel like I’m awful in bed despite reassurance and am very anxious about my body I don’t think it’s him or his fault at all! He always tells me he loves me and is physically affectionate and very sweet. But every time I end up feeling depressed and depersonalize for like a week after and I am starting to think it’s trauma related and that I may be afraid to feel secure in those situations for whatever reason and expect the worst. I don’t think that I should be affected this way, how do I work to overcome this?