I’m not looking for sympathy or for nice words. I’ve been dealing with traumatic events in my life. I have no words to even explain what I feel.

2 years ago, my ex and I went on a vacation. This happened around August 2019. It was a 1 week vacation but it was the worst week of my life. He was beyond aggressive, violent, possessive, and threatening. I had to suck it up. So one day, he shoved me in the floor because I brought revealing dresses to our vacation. I explained to him that I would be with him and I wasn’t seeking attention. He got mad and he grabbed my arm sooo hard. We went back to our hotel room because he didn’t like my outfit. That same night (since he had been drinking) he wanted to have sex. I told him I didn’t want to. He was acting weird!! He got so mad he undressed me and spread open my legs. He managed to stick it in until I pushed him. He threw the tv control to my head. He then hugged me and I ended up sleeping on the couch!

Another day, he was so aggressive he started punching a car. He said it was the alcohol. I left to my hotel room and he chased me down the street screaming at me. I couldn’t take it longer. He told me he’d kill himself if I left him. I couldn’t dump him. I was scared. We got to the hotel room and he kicked the chair and the walls calling me a whore.

We finally came back home! Since we didn’t live together, I just decided to never see him again without an explanation. I was really scared to leave him with all the threats he would do. I even saw him almost hitting his mother.

From august until May of 2020, we didn’t see eachother. We texted but I had to make up a lie that I was too busy to continue dating him. I told him I was busy with my 2 jobs and school. He said he would wait but all I wanted is for him to dump me and just get tired of waiting for me. He would threaten me if I dumped him.

Well around December 2019, I slept with a friend. He took me out on dates and we had sex. I never told my ex. I was beyond hurt. I was so scared. But I stopped doing that.....

In May 2020, my ex and I finally reconnected. We continued like that for 5 months.

We are now broken up for good but it still haunts me what I did. The fact my ex threw me on the floor and attempted rape still haunts me. I really feel like I’m the worst human being ever. I can’t even date again because I don’t feel like I’m a good person. I feel like karma will get me back.

I know this is going to sound horrible but has anyone gone through this. Has anyone dealt with an abusive partner that it was so hard to leave? Looking back at my life, I felt like I was looking for validation. I felt like I was too scared to leave my ex and just used my friend as a rebound. Idk what the fuck I did. I ruined myself