Hi all I posted before about having a SIL that struggles with fertility. I'm 9w6d now and anxiously pregnant with what will be my 3rd rainbow if baby lives. I've had 9 miscarriages since 2016 (5 in 2920). Anyway I posted asking for advice on how to tell my SIL I still haven't been able to get together with them. They are very busy people. But I just found out last night when I told my mom that I'm pregnant, that my SIL is 12 weeks pregnant YAYYYYY. I'm extremely happy for my brother and SIL. Now I'm even more nervous to tell them. We're 2 weeks apart, and this will be there first, my 4th.

No one cares about my 2 youngest anyway. To put things into more of a perspective in 2013 my family forced me to get an abortion, why because one of my brothers and his gf were having a baby. I still hold a lot of resentment and anger over my family for this. When I say forced I mean FORCED and f*** planned Parenthood for doing an abortion on an unwilling person. For a long time I believed that my miscarriages were punishment from god for murdering a child. I am completely against abortion. Not only was I forced but the abortion failed and I ended up with an incomplete abortion and had to have surgery, I had the surgery then was bleeding grapefruit sized clots, I lost my job because I became to sick and weak. I couldn't take care of my then 3 year old. To this day I hold anger and resentment towards certain family members. I know there's only 1 relative that will be truly happy about this baby. My mother calls my youngest 2 thing and it, my father says their mistakes.

Now no one has control over me any more, I'm safe, my rainbow us safe, and my children are safe from the toxic family.

I'm no longer abused, physically or emotionally. I hardly see them. (I was abused by my mother until I was 25).

I'm excited about this baby I'm riddled with anxiety obviously because of my previous loss's. we bought a Doppler and listen to the heartbeat every other night ❤️ . And I've been stressed about telling my SIL AND BROTHER, more so now. I really don't care about anyone else. My mom can think what she wants so can everyone else , but my SIL and Brother are 2 people that I actually have a connection and no bad history with. I value them as people, and as family.

I want to enjoy this pregnancy because I want this baby, I have prayed for this baby, I love this baby. But I am struggling to be happy, to be excited. I'm scared I'll loose the baby, I'm struggling to sleep to say I have PTSD from my past is an understatement. And it is becoming challenging to keep above my old habits.

Thanks for reading.