BFP after 4 years

Well, almost 4 years. I wasn't sure where to post this, but this group seemed the most relevant. See, we've been trying since 2017 to get pregnant. It's been a very hard road. First diagnosed with unexplained infertility, then a blocked tube, and then finally found out this year that I have balanced reciprocal translocation (an issue with my chromosomes). So, getting pregnant has seemed impossible. It was made to seem as if IVF with genetic testing was our best, if not only, chance of successfully having a baby. I'm 37 and feel like time is running out, but the cost of all that just isn't an option...especially for something that isn't guaranteed.

But this month...last week actually, I found out that I am pregnant. No IVF or anything. But I've had 2 miscarriages in the past, so it's difficult for me to feel excited. But I WANT to be excited, you know? I want to imagine myself getting fat (well.. I'm not exactly slim but you knew what I mean!). I want to daydream about a baby shower and decide whether or not I want to do a gender reveal...I want to think about the nursery and wonder whether it'll be a boy or a girl. But...I've never even seen a fetal heartbeat. My last pregnancy didn't even have a fetal pole. I dread ultrasounds because it's always, always been bad news.

Right now, I'm 4 weeks. My doctor won't see me again for 2 weeks, so now I'm in limbo. Trying not to think about the pregnancy, while all the time.... thinking about the pregnancy. My breasts are just now starting to feel sore. I worry about this because the moment my breasts don't hurt, I'll start worrying. The translocation thing makes miscarriages more likely, and so I feel stuck in this limbo of waiting to see if I'll miscarry...wanting to celebrate a pregnancy, but not confident enough to do so. I pray every night that this baby will develop and be ok.