Well, almost 4 years. I wasn't sure where to post this, but this group seemed the most relevant. See, we've been trying since 2017 to get pregnant. It's been a very hard road. First diagnosed with unexplained infertility, then a blocked tube, and then finally found out this year that I have balanced reciprocal translocation (an issue with my chromosomes). So, getting pregnant has seemed impossible. It was made to seem as if <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a> with genetic testing was our best, if not only, chance of successfully having a baby. I'm 37 and feel like time is running out, but the cost of all that just isn't an option...especially for something that isn't guaranteed.

But this month...last week actually, I found out that I am pregnant. No <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a> or anything. But I've had 2 miscarriages in the past, so it's difficult for me to feel excited. But I WANT to be excited, you know? I want to imagine myself getting fat (well.. I'm not exactly slim but you knew what I mean!). I want to daydream about a baby shower and decide whether or not I want to do a gender reveal...I want to think about the nursery and wonder whether it'll be a boy or a girl. But...I've never even seen a fetal heartbeat. My last pregnancy didn't even have a fetal pole. I dread ultrasounds because it's always, always been bad news.

Right now, I'm 4 weeks. My doctor won't see me again for 2 weeks, so now I'm in limbo. Trying not to think about the pregnancy, while all the time.... thinking about the pregnancy. My breasts are just now starting to feel sore. I worry about this because the moment my breasts don't hurt, I'll start worrying. The translocation thing makes miscarriages more likely, and so I feel stuck in this limbo of waiting to see if I'll miscarry...wanting to celebrate a pregnancy, but not confident enough to do so. I pray every night that this baby will develop and be ok.