Family drama TW talk of scuicidal thoughts and molestation and abandonment issues

Finally snapped today started screaming at my moms house, ended up telling her I love her for giving birth to me but I hate her for not being there for me. She won’t listen to the fact that I was abused by her ex husband, I have begged and begged her to teach me to drive because I don’t want to go to driving school but she couldn’t do me this one favor, hasn’t spent a lot of time with me in years and can’t even take me out 30 minutes a week to teach me to drive? Just seems stupid to me, she gave me to my grandma when I was a baby because she couldn’t take care of me but there’s plenty of fucking teen moms who take care of their kids and it’s not like she didn’t have access to me, she could have easily spent more time with me as a kid (I’m 18 btw if that matters) she actively has yelled at me for bringing up what happened to me as a child, the last good time we had together was pretty recent but it wasn’t planned for me to come exactly? I just want her to do something with me, I’ve been asking for her to spend some fucking time with me one on one since before my brother was born and I was still being molested and no one knew, hell even when she wasn’t disgusted by me for being used by her ex she didn’t want to hang out with me. I told a councler this all today (had to have a random one from my clinic talk to me I was ready to hang myself today, fucking beam didn’t have a gap in between it and the ceiling like I thought 🙃 that did help stop me a bit 😂🤷🏻‍♀️)

I have struggled my whole damn life and I love my grandma but she has made me feel shitty as well to the point where I have asked her why she took me in as a kid. I hear shit from her like “your the reason I’m going to die” or “your going to give me a heart attack” or “you think the only person that matters is you don’t you?” Over every little thing! Fuck not like I paid her rent when she lost her job when I was 15 or 16, not like I don’t drop everything I’m doing at anytime for her to go to doctor appointments (she will agree to watching the grandkids then have an appointment so I take over watching them otherwise she will cancel her appointment) Not like I don’t pay her every penny back she gives me and have been since I was 16, yes she has given me a few financial breaks but I also have helped like I said I paid rent for months when she couldnt and I don’t mind that I did I just love that she acts like it never happened it’s been completely mutual the only non mutual thing is respect.

One big issue is I work for my brother so today probably is going to cause me to lose my job (wasn’t on the clock when this happened I was over there because of another issue) I can get unemployment and luckily I can get another job pretty easily in my town, seeing as I don’t plan to go on unemployment at all if I can avoid it.

So yea yelled at my mom and grandma today, my mom got off work early because she probably Disney trust me to watch my brother anymore because I said I resent him like I wonder why?! let’s see he is the only good thing that came out of that bastard being in my family’s life and I feel like I was abused but she got the blessing and it’s fucking bullshit, second she’s raising another kid (by herself) but couldn’t raise me with my grandma and papas help?? Clearly no one has stopped to think that just because I say I resent my brother dosent mean I would fucking do anything to him but my family does like to tell me that they believe I would kill someone 🙃 like yea my fucking self, when I do tell my mom I’m suicidal she says “well I can’t stop you” (not that exact wording I’m usually to upset to hear how she exactly says it) so that makes it worse like yes mom I know you wouldn’t give a crap if I die here’s a disco ball have fun on my grave 😒

Seriously the fact they think I would hurt my brother who’s only fucking 5 and autistic, seriously?! I would be mailed to death by a bear to make sure he had time to run the fuck away, I would jump in front of a damn bullet. I just hate that he actually got to have a mom and I got my grandma who has a health condition and has about a decade of she takes care of herself so my parental figure the only one I have left is going to be gone before my first kid turns 10.

They will never find anything they do wrong, they never will see how they contributed to the mental issues I have they only will blame the asshole who molested me because anything they do mentally dosent count, my grandma used to scare me so much making me think of her die when I was little she will deny doing it but I vividly remember how it felt to cry about the fact I knew she would die before I was ready and I don’t think she realized she was literally causing me to not be able to prepare for it mentally and still uses it against me.

Why the actual fuck didn’t they just give me up for adoption? I was molested even though I wasn’t in the system I still have been mentally ripped apart I still wasn’t stood up for as a kid jeezus fuck if my kid would have told me they were pushed against a wall in the cafeteria by a student aid (adult) when they were around 3rd grade I would have sued the school not let it go so fast. Seriously I feel like I wasn’t protected in any good way I wasn’t allowed to go have sleepovers at my friends houses because there were bad people in the world but if my legs weren’t being spread by someone I was allowed to have sleepovers with daily (I was going over to my moms house overnight for a while to “”spend time with her”” when I was like 11? Like the fact me and her did almost nothing together wasn’t a red flag?!?!

Sorry for such a long post I just have always bent over backwards for my family and I’m really opening my eyes to the fact that I can’t do it anymore.

Thoughts would be appreciated if you’ve read this far, ask any questions you need I know this was a jumbled mess