I’m STRUGGLING

My anxiety has been off the wall today. I have no idea why, I’ve just been having panic attack after panic attack.

I was laying in bed and literally shaking and my fiancé isn’t the best at helping most times. He kinda gets over it and just rolls over and goes to bed.

Today he was nicer and asked how he can help. I asked him to play with my hair/run his fingers through my hair

It reminded me how the other day we were talking about our love languages.

His is physical touch but in a sex kind of way.. like walking up to him to grab his balls or bite his ear or basically just tease him.

I was having trouble explaining my love languages because I have a couple (he judged me for that) and mine are basically gift giving (like a chocolate bar or flowers... nothing crazy!!!!!) and acts of kindness such as doing the dishes without being asked or taking out the trash or making dinner for once instead of me doing it.... I also have touch as my love languages but mine is more in a soothing way like playing with my hair, tickling my arm, tickling my back

He judged me for all of them and goes “I do all that!” (He doesn’t do the physical touch one because everything has to be sexual 24/7) And I was confused because I wasn’t saying that he doesn’t?? And I said that I do his too and he goes “yeah but sometimes I just want to get wild!”..... he doesn’t like that

Well today while he was running his fingers through my hair it hit me that that’s a way I can explain my love languages further.

So I was like “this is my kind of touch when it comes to love languages” and he goes “what? Me rubbing your hair?” And I said “yeah it’s soothing” and this man I kid you not literally throws his head back like a toddler and in a whining voice goes “that’s so one sided!!”

Like I was literally shaking having a panic attack and trying to talk out my emotions and he says I’m being one sided because soothing touch is my love language 😧

I’m literally never going to not have that voice in my head now. I’m literally going to think about that a million times any time he touches me. He wonders why I don’t jump at the opportunity to be physically and THIS IS WHYYY

I get nothing but judgement when I try to open up.

Now I’m sitting on the couch by myself still having a panic attack and it’s worse because now I have something to play in my head over and over and over