So here is my back story.

I met a guy through mutual friends and we started talking and hanging out. Within 2 months we realized we were eachothers missing pieces. We made things official almost a year ago (our 1 year is June 28th). I found out I was pregnant on August 15th. We had talked about kids and I was on the fence, starting over wit ha teenager already terrified me, but I wasn't entirely against having a baby. I was quite surprised to find out I got pregnant so quickly and kind of on accident, because I was told I have PCOS and it would be difficult for me to get pregnant. I had my 1st at 18 first time having someone make a deposit and boom pregnant.

We were very excited at first. I quit smoking, took my prenatals all the good stuff, started picking out baby things on Amazon the works. Couldn't wait to get to my first appointment on Sept 15th. I quickly found out that my insurance through work was absolute garbage. We had to pay $300 for my first visit and ultrasound. Come to find out I had a $5000 deductible and nothing, absolutely nothing was covered by copay until I hit that deductible. We both had decent jobs making roughly $3500 a month between the 2 of us. I made just enough on my own to not qualify for any medicaid or state assistance but we couldn't afford for me to quit my job entirely. I quickly became scared and stressed. We started fighting constantly, like every day. I was so emotional over everything. I made an appointment with my Dr as I thought I had a uti, we chatted briefly and I completely lost it in her office. I broke down and cried and told her I had to terminate. There were no other options. We juat couldn't afford it and I didn't even know if I wanted to be with the father anymore. She gave me the referral to the clinic and I cried the whole way home.

It took me 2 days to schedule the appointment, they made it for the following Friday, 9/25. We borrowed money from friends and family to come up with the $850 it would cost. I made up my mind and I was ok with it, it needed to happen.

He goes with me the day of he was so supportive the whole time and takes me home. For the first 6 weeks I was fine, I made myself believe everything was OK. I lied to people telling them I had a miscarriage because I was too ashamed and scared to tell the truth. I swore that was something I would never do. I slowly started to break down. I spiraled into a pretty bad depression for 4 months. My now fiance and I had so many fights and even broke up right after new years. (Yes, we are still together and stronger than ever!)

I somehow managed to pull myself out and started to heal. We are planning our future together and he proposed in March.

In April we brought up having a family again. He would love to be a father but never has put any pressure on me to have a child together. If it happens it happens. Well in April we decided to start trying. He asked me several times if I was sure that im ready. I felt so much better and back to normal that I felt good about the decision. We both have much better jobs, better income our relationship is stable and growing and I have much better insurance...

This is the 3rd cycle trying and woke up to another let down. I'm getting really discouraged and feel the universe is punishing me for throwing away such a perfect opportunity to have another baby. It's bringing every vivid detail to the surface of my emotions and makes me wonder if I am ready and if this will ever happen for me again. I'm 33 and i can hear my biological clock yelling at me that I'm running out of time.

I'm scared to keeptrying. I'm afraid of more disappointment and heartache. This is emotionally exhausting and I don't know how other women go through infertility for years without losing their sanity.

I am feeling so guilty and ashamed and regretful for that decision. I keep thinking what life would be like if I hadn't have gone through with it. What would he or she look like? They would be 2 months old now.Why did I feel that was the only way out? I feel horrible today, please someone tell me everything will be ok...