Gender disappointment

Sorry for the long vent post but here I go:

Anyone get their tubes tied / removed and then go through a “gender disappointment” type phase a few months after your last was born?

I love my 3 boys. I love all my children actually. Including my step-daughter who I’ve been blessed to help raise since she was 18 months old.

But my heart shattered into a million pieces when she looked at me the other day and said “I really just wish I could have had a real sister of my own…”

I just told her, “ I tried so hard to give you that, baby girl!”

Idk if it’s because I went through so many losses before my final rainbow baby… but it feels like I had chances to be pregnant with a girl that maybe I just didn’t know about and for some reason I didn’t deserve her, so God changed those plans before I could meet her. Or maybe it’s because the doctors literally told me I was lucky I made it through the last child birth and trying again wouldn’t end well for me at all - so I feel like I could’ve tried for another girl but I’m so broken I would’ve died trying.

I just wanted to even out our boys and girls and have the perfect family number. I just wanted to see a little version of me grow into a stronger, more confident, inspiring woman.

“Never” is hard to accept.

I feel like a failure - why couldn’t I make a girl. & I feel like an asshole of a mom - why can’t I just accept the beautiful boys I made?